singing a new song

**This is my first entry in what I hope will be a long series of posts to my "grandtoy", Becca. She is now 6 months old and starting to really get around. Her grandmother, Becky, was a dear friend of mine as well as being my husband's cousin. She died almost 15 years ago, but I know she watches over us and over Becca (who is named for her). I know there are so many things that Becky would have shared with little Becca if she had been given the chance. As her friend, I want to stand in for her, to make sure that Becca learns the really important stuff about life and her family. And since I know all too well that life is short and tricky, I wanted to write it all down "just in case". I also thought I might as well share them here. Who knows, someone else may find something of small value in these words. You never know, right? Anyway.....here we go!

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 Dear Becca,

I love to sing. I have for as long as I can remember. I took choir in school (with your Grandma Becky) instead of band (I think I may have been the only person in my class who never took a single year of band!) and even took private voice lessons for a while. But there was one problem, I have a powerful fear of being noticed, of standing out in the crowd.

I have lived my life as a wallflower. Always on the fringes, always looking for ways not to be noticed, because if you notice me, you might be a witness when I screw something up. And you very well might laugh at me and make me feel bad. Do you see the contradiction? Singing is all about drawing attention. It is loud and out there. It grabs your attention and says "look at me, hear my heart!". Hear my heart....no, I am pretty sure I don't want the world to hear some of the things I am hiding in there!

Over the course of my life singing went from a passion to something I did while driving down the road in the car or in an empty room. The only place I ever really let myself be heard was at church and that was from a pew way in the back!

It was that way for more years than I care to recall. But last year I felt God leading me to volunteer to help with my church's praise and worship group. I was nervous, but I found I could easily lose myself in the music. Over time, the nerves have almost completely vanished, leaving me feeling......free. For so many years I have hidden myself away, afraid to stand out, to be seen. Worrying about being foolish or making a mistake. That worry, that is the foolish thing. Life has too much to give for me to be hiding along the walls trying to go unnoticed! I want to be heard, I want to make a joyful noise (and noise it may well be!) and sing songs of praise and joy. I want the world and my Father in heaven to know my heart.

The lesson here, don't waste a lot of your energy on fear. If you want something, reach for it. Don't be afraid to fail. Everyone fails. It is part of the human experience and never something to be ashamed of. Rather, it is something to learn from, to grow from; failing can actually be a blessing, not a curse. It's all in how you handle it. This is a lesson that has taken me 42 years to learn and I sometimes have to be reminded of it daily. Take it from me precious girl, learn this lesson early and remind yourself often. Get it down in your spirit and let it take root. Failure is not to be feared and life is not to be lived on the sidelines!

Until next time and with all my love,

Tamara

Weigh in Wednesday

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Holy crap, I really can't believe I am even attempting to write this post. I have been debating with myself for a couple of weeks about this idea of 'Weigh in Wednesday". The idea came to me while I was reading "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. If you haven't read it, well, you should. It is a very interesting look at our fear of being vulnerable, and how overcoming that fear will allow us to connect to the world around us in a new way.

To be fair, the book has NOTHING to do with weight loss, so why it triggered this idea was a bit of a mystery at first. I literally couldn't understand the connection my own mind was making between being vulnerable and a post about my progress (or lack of it) in the area of weight loss. But the mystery didn't last long, because I know what my biggest secret is. I know the thing that I NEVER share with anyone, the thing that embarrasses and humiliates me. The numbers on the scale. I do not ever tell anyone how much I weigh. EVER. So, when this idea presented itself my knee jerk reaction was "HECK NO!". But the notion has remained in the back of my mind. It won't let go of me, so I am going to do it. I am going to give you the numbers I hate the most in this world.

Current weight: 256.6lbs
Fasting blood sugar: 125


At the first of October I started a new weight loss plan. It was simple really, I went from 3 large meals a day to 5 to 6 much smaller meals and I started walking. Before I started adding steps to my day I was averaging about 2500 steps (I have a very sedentary job). That is NOT much. I wanted to get in at least 10,000 a day (still working on that!) so I started walking in the mornings before work, often times standing in front of the TV (like being on a treadmill, only no treadmill required). At first my blood sugar went nuts, so I had to really monitor it and my diet closely. It has leveled out now, which makes things much easier. Prior to October, my fasting blood sugar was running around 140 to 150 in the mornings. (For those not in the "know", that is high. Normal blood sugar usually stays around 70-90 and anything above about 125 is considered diabetic.) So, I am very happy with my 125 this morning.

Now, my weight, that is another matter. At the first of October I weighed in at 264. It took 2 weeks to lose 4lbs and then 2 days to gain back 2. And that is the way it has been, I will lose a few pounds and gain a little back over the weekend (relaxing too much). I get so frustrated by the whole process! I am having to fight for every single ounce I lose, and I HATE every second of it. I know without a doubt that if I am not careful I could gain back every bit of the 8 pounds I have lost in a matter of hours! It is frustrating and embarrassing and makes me feel like a fat slob and a failure..

That last sentence is precisely why I think I need to share these numbers here. It is embarrassing. It is frustrating. And I do feel like a failure. Going "public" is scarey. It puts me in a very vulnerable place. I am going to risk it because I feel like hiding these numbers gives them too much power over me. So, I am going to try this "weigh in" every Wednesday. I don't know how long it will last. I hope a long time, with numbers that continue to decrease (realistically I know that won't always be the case). I hope I don't bore you too much, I hope you understand where I am coming from and why I need to do this. And I hope you will pray for me.

Don't let your dreams be dreams part 2

Well, this morning I did it. I actually wrote down some dreams and put them in the dream jar. I decided to use the cute little cut out hearts I got for Valentines Day from my friend Jerimi. What better way to put them to use? :)

My first dream is for my sweet hubby to be pain free. He has been dealing with chronic pain from a neck injury for almost his entire adult life. He was a volunteer firefighter in our little town and a house caved in on him. They got him out and at first everything seemed okay. Bumps and bruises and really, really sore for a while, but nothing too extreme. But over time it became obvious there was something wrong. He had suffered nerve damage and a herniated disc in his neck. We took the doctor's advice and he had surgery. Biggest mistake of our lives. Of course we were young and frightened and didn't know enough about dealing with doctors and such. We learned. 16 years and 3 surgeries later we are more cautious. Right now he is having to live on pain meds, balancing everything in his life on the next dose of medication. And we are considering another surgery. But the truth is, that probably won't help the pain. The nerves are damaged and they may never recover. And he has developed spinal stenosis and degenerative disc problems (the unmentioned side effects of back/neck surgery). All I want is for him to not be limited and held back by this pain. All I want is for him to get a good nights sleep, to feel refreshed, to feel energized. All I want is a miracle.

Dream #2 is probably something on everyone's bucket list. I want to travel. My grandparents visited all 50 states in their lifetimes, I would love to do that. This seems an impossible dream considering our finances, our house full of furry babies, and all the trials of traveling in constant pain (how could I ask him to do that??) But dreams are just that sometimes, impossible. And even impossible dreams are worth dreaming.

Dream #3 is much closer to home, and at the moment, just as impossible. I want to move back home. Not into my mother's house (Good Lord NO!) but onto her property. See, I am her only child and my step dad made darn sure I knew my responsibilities. "One day it will be just you and your mom, you have to take care of her". Well, he was almost right. He is gone (passed away 10 years ago this week) and it is just us.....and my dear hubby who does so much for my mom. He makes it possible for me not to worry so much about her. Still, it would be better if we could be closer. She has 40 acres of property and being right there would make it so much easier for the hubby to help keep the place in good repair (my step dad would roll over in his grave to see the state of things out there these days). And I wouldn't have to worry. But mom is very independent and not ready for this. So, we are stuck. At least for now.

Well, that wasn't too bad. I wrote 3 dreams and put them in a jar, and didn't have to break out the anxiety meds (yet). Dreams are prayers, you know. At least that's how I see them. A dream is a prayer to God, it is your deep desires made manifest to the Father. I think the reason I fear them is simply because I am afraid of His answer. Afraid to ask and look for the answer. Afraid the answer will be "no". 

Okay! That's enough self therapy and examination for one morning! Go check out my Thursday Thankfulness for the latest post and have a great day!  :-)

don't let your dreams be dreams

Okay, here it is, my long dreaded awaited dream post. I'm still not sure what I want to say or how to say it. But the GBE2 writing prompt this week is "Dream" so I am taking that as a sign that it's time to give it a try.

the making of a dream jar.

It all started with a dream jar. I read this post by Ashley over at little {mrs.} sunshine. Ashley's post inspired me to make dream jars for my coworkers for Christmas (which were a hit!) but it also wouldn't leave me alone. After that it seemed everywhere I turned I encountered the subject of dreaming. And I really began to feel some real fear about it.

Why? Why does the very word "dream" make me want to reach for my anxiety meds? I have spent a lot of time trying to sort that out. I don't have it all worked out, but here is what I know so far:

I can't remember ever dreaming about what I wanted to do when I grew up. Maybe I did (most kids do, right?) but I don't remember it. I never wanted to be an astronaut or a ballerina. I read a lot and loved music and as a mostly only child I spent a lot of time lost in my own imagination, creating playmates and adventures for myself; but I don't think that is the same thing. I can't remember ever giving thought to my future. I never considered college because I had no deep burning desire to study anything. I got out of high school and went to work. One thing led to another and I stumbled (with God's guidance) into my profession. It was never my plan, I had no plan. 

I fell in love at an early age, but I never planned to marry. I could claim that as the child of divorced parents I was skeptical of the whole notion. But that's not really true. I think it is more accurate to say that I never let myself see a future, any future at all, much less one that included marriage. Then one day I decided to marry him (my 1st love) and that was that. I never envisioned it, but once I set my sights on it, there was no other path for me. I do not regret this at all, I just find it interesting to really look at how my mind worked in this circumstance. One minute, marriage wasn't even part of my vocabulary. The next, we were planning the wedding. My sweet hubby is still confused by this I think. He was certain, right up until I walked down the aisle, that I would back out. (He has spent a lifetime trying to figure out how my mind works, poor guy)

I could go on and on. My whole life seems to be a series of happy (and yes, some not so happy) accidents that led me to this place (even this blog wasn't planned). I love the words of God in Jeremiah 29:11

I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Plans to give you hope and a future.

I have always found comfort and security in those words. In the knowledge that God has a plan for me, even if I don't. But lately I have begun to wonder if my fear of dreaming has held me back from that planned future. Dreams are all about hope and a future. Am I allowing my fear to hold me back? Yes, I think I am.

Don't let your dreams be dreams.....for me I think the first step has to be to let myself dream. To speak and write about what I want to happen in my life. This fear is crippling me. How in the world did I let this little thing become so powerful in my life?

Those dream jars I made as Christmas gifts, I made one for myself too. I never put anything in it. I think it's time I did. Just typing those words knots up my stomach and makes my breathing shallow. But I can do this. Right??

I am going to try. And for accountability, I will be bringing you, my faithful reader, along for the ride. So, if I go too long before I post something about dreams again, give me a nudge. Fear has no place in my heart. I don't want it there. I want to strive for the future that God has for me. I want to let myself dream and imagine what it might hold without fear. I really think that is what He wants for me too.

I'm going to try

Restore my joy

It was a long weekend. Well, really it was a long week. Jury duty on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday; 2 doctor's appts on Thursday followed up with an anxiety attack that left me wiped out the rest of that day and the next. Then Friday evening my husband cut his thumb on his table saw and off we went to the ER. 11 stitches for that. And we learned something, thumbs have the potential for great pain!

This morning when I got up for work I really struggled with feelings of anxiety and fear about leaving the house. Silly really, but I have had this same struggle often through the years. After an anxiety attack I have trouble finding my footing in the world. On days like this I truly believe the only thing that gets me out the door is the greater fear of losing my job.

So, off I go out into the world to face the day, ready or not. Lately I have developed the habit of cruising through cyberspace in my free time looking for inspiration to lift me up. Today I found 2 things that leaped out at me. The first was on Joyce Meyers Facebook page. She had this to say: "The sooner we learn that feelings are fickle, the better off we are. " No kidding.

The second is Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Yeah, I think that is my prayer for today.

Restore my joy, Father. Help me to overcome my fickle feelings and live the abundant life that your salvation provides. Amen

FAY days

Today I am not feeling very strong in my faith, or like a person of any substance. I had an anxiety attack yesterday when I left my doctors office after a routine appointment. I am not dying or anything so don't worry. I think I just reached my limit on personal strength. And so I broke. I was supposed to go back to work, but I drove straight home, took some medicine I keep around for these rare attacks and went to bed.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing it helps. It helps to put it out there for anyone (or no one) to see. I am fragile. My life is built upon strength, but it isn't mine. Sometimes I forget that and I carry the load on my own shoulders. And it gets heavy. Fast. And sooner or later, I break under the strain.

I went through a period in my life when these attacks were almost a weekly (and sometimes daily) occurrence. At work we even have a short hand name for them "FAY". It comes from something I said to the group in the middle of one such melt down one day years ago. The "f" I will let you figure out, but rest is "all" & "y'all". Not my finest moment. But I survived and even found humor in the memory.....

Another reason I am sharing this is because I want anyone who reads this to realize that being saved and forgiven by God, being his child, lead by his spirit and word does not mean you don't have bad days. Just because I am broken now, doesn't mean I am not saved. I tripped and fell, I dropped the load I was carrying. A load I did not have to carry alone. And I will get back up, through God's love and grace. I don't really feel that way at this particular moment, but I KNOW it. Because God's word says it. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

I am having a bad day today. But I believe that God is my strength and He will bring me through this. And he can do that for you as well.  

And I am here if you need a friend....

Inspiration

So this morning I woke up wanting to write SOMETHING. Problem is, I had no inspiration. There is nothing particular on my mind, no driving need or urge for a specific message. As I have mentioned before, this only works for me if I feel God's guidance in the process. I am not a writer. I can barely speak a coherent sentence in a conversation, much less put something meaningful on paper (or in this case, a computer screen).

I should tell you that I went directly to my bible looking for guidance. But that would be a lie. First, I procrastinated a bit by calling my sister to chat. Then I wandered over to Facebook and commented on a few posts and pictures. After Facebook, I decided to check out a few blogs that I follow. And there it was, my inspiration. Karen Walrond writes a blog called "Choolooloonks" and I love it. She takes the most amazing pictures of the everyday things and she always says something that makes me think.The blog I read today was titled "focusing and daring greatly". Yeah, I needed that. In it she shares about her excitement and fears concerning a new venture and how she tends to fall back on the coping mechanism of focusing on one aspect at a time instead of the big picture. Then she asks the question,

 how do you make yourself do something that you're scared to do?


Well, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do???

Most of my life I have played it safe, especially where my faith is concerned. For years I went to church every time the doors opened, sat in the back, and listened to the message. I was saved, but I wasn't growing. I wasn't stretching my faith or seeking new and deeper insight in my walk with God. Heck, I wasn't even walking with Him, he was carrying me the way a parent carries a small child whose legs are too short to keep pace. I read the bible, I could quote scripture. But that isn't enough, and eventually I started missing church and thinking it was okay, they wouldn't miss me (after all, all I did was warm a pew). Truth is, most of the people probably didn't miss me, cause I was just taking up space.

God missed me though. He had been missing me for a while. It took almost 6 years for him to break through my defenses (I am nothing if not stubborn) and reach my heart. He knows me well, so he didn't waste a lot of time with sweet talk. He grabbed my by my shoulders and shook me and said, Come on girl! I created you for MORE. You might think you are not important in this world, but I say you are. If you believe in me, you have to get up and follow me!

Okay, before you start thinking I need to up my meds, he didn't literally shake me, there was no burning bush or angel or anything so dramatic, But he did speak to my heart. If you have ever felt the presence of God, you know exactly what I mean. For me it is a knowing, a certainty in my spirit. A force too strong to be ignored or put off.  

Do this thing I have asked and trust me with it's outcome.  Okay Lord. I will. I will start a prayer group on Facebook and revive the one at work. I will go back to church and volunteer to sing with the praise group and yes, I will even start a blog. I will trust you to move hearts, open doors, make the way. I will learn to listen for your voice, not just in the bible, but in the world. I will look for all the inspiration you have placed in my path and be mindful of my step.

So, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do? I trust God. I listen to him and I trust that no matter the outcome, he is in control. He is my inspiration...


 here is a link to Karen's blog, just in case you are interested: Focusing and daring greatly-wildly convinced you're uncommonly beautiful