singing a new song

**This is my first entry in what I hope will be a long series of posts to my "grandtoy", Becca. She is now 6 months old and starting to really get around. Her grandmother, Becky, was a dear friend of mine as well as being my husband's cousin. She died almost 15 years ago, but I know she watches over us and over Becca (who is named for her). I know there are so many things that Becky would have shared with little Becca if she had been given the chance. As her friend, I want to stand in for her, to make sure that Becca learns the really important stuff about life and her family. And since I know all too well that life is short and tricky, I wanted to write it all down "just in case". I also thought I might as well share them here. Who knows, someone else may find something of small value in these words. You never know, right? Anyway.....here we go!

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 Dear Becca,

I love to sing. I have for as long as I can remember. I took choir in school (with your Grandma Becky) instead of band (I think I may have been the only person in my class who never took a single year of band!) and even took private voice lessons for a while. But there was one problem, I have a powerful fear of being noticed, of standing out in the crowd.

I have lived my life as a wallflower. Always on the fringes, always looking for ways not to be noticed, because if you notice me, you might be a witness when I screw something up. And you very well might laugh at me and make me feel bad. Do you see the contradiction? Singing is all about drawing attention. It is loud and out there. It grabs your attention and says "look at me, hear my heart!". Hear my heart....no, I am pretty sure I don't want the world to hear some of the things I am hiding in there!

Over the course of my life singing went from a passion to something I did while driving down the road in the car or in an empty room. The only place I ever really let myself be heard was at church and that was from a pew way in the back!

It was that way for more years than I care to recall. But last year I felt God leading me to volunteer to help with my church's praise and worship group. I was nervous, but I found I could easily lose myself in the music. Over time, the nerves have almost completely vanished, leaving me feeling......free. For so many years I have hidden myself away, afraid to stand out, to be seen. Worrying about being foolish or making a mistake. That worry, that is the foolish thing. Life has too much to give for me to be hiding along the walls trying to go unnoticed! I want to be heard, I want to make a joyful noise (and noise it may well be!) and sing songs of praise and joy. I want the world and my Father in heaven to know my heart.

The lesson here, don't waste a lot of your energy on fear. If you want something, reach for it. Don't be afraid to fail. Everyone fails. It is part of the human experience and never something to be ashamed of. Rather, it is something to learn from, to grow from; failing can actually be a blessing, not a curse. It's all in how you handle it. This is a lesson that has taken me 42 years to learn and I sometimes have to be reminded of it daily. Take it from me precious girl, learn this lesson early and remind yourself often. Get it down in your spirit and let it take root. Failure is not to be feared and life is not to be lived on the sidelines!

Until next time and with all my love,

Tamara