Thursday, June 26, 2014

I really don't want to, but I have to

Several years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. At the time I didn't give it a lot of thought, the label was there as an identifier, an explanation provided to the insurance company so they would cover my therapy sessions. Even now, more than 10 years later I don't really know exactly what the definition of the disorder is or if it is an accurate diagnosis for me. I am not sure it really matters. What matters is that "generalized anxiety" is a perfect description of what I have been feeling for the last few weeks. Edgy and jumpy and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth with nothing to point to as the cause. There is no more stress in my life than normal, there has been no major traumatic event, no trigger. Just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to pull into myself and not face the world, of wanting to hide. I have that feeling in my chest of a million wings beating, looking for the way out and my hands feel shaky even when they are rock steady.

Unfortunately Fortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want to hide away in my bed with the covers pulled over my head (not an exaggeration). My employers expect me to show up and actually do work to earn my paycheck. And that paycheck is vital, given my fondness for lights, air conditioning, and satellite TV (Falling Skies is back on!!!). So I get up and go to work, I face people and try to look them in the eye. And I pray. I pray for peace, I pray that I can make it the next 5 minutes, the next 8 hours. I pray for guidance and direction, for strength in my weakness. I know this will pass. I just have to hang on to His hand.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Just an update, I am still here

Wow. It's been a while since I have had anything to say, hasn't it? Well, that's not technically true, I have tons to say, just no strong desire to open the computer! Things in my life have been pretty hum-drum, same old-same old. Get up, go to work, come home, clean a litter box, watch some TV, sleep, repeat. No real excitement there. Even my diet and exercise routine is stagnant, I seem stuck in the 250's despite all my best efforts and so I have become frustrated and I'm not really putting much into it.

I have been toying with the idea of trying to write more, I have great ideas when I am away from the keyboard. Like when I am in bed and waiting to fall asleep or driving to work. Problem is, when I make it to a computer they disappear like smoke, the scent lingers but I can't find the source! Maybe someone is trying to tell me something? Maybe I need some more quiet time in my life so some original thoughts might seep in?

I have been craving more quiet lately, less TV and Facebook time. I am reading a couple of good books and listening to some on audio too. Does that count as quiet? Probably not, though for me it is soothing. In the car on my commute I am listening to the last Harry Potter book for about the thousandth time. It is a comforting presence, an old friend riding with me to and from work. It is really nice.

And with that I have run out of words for today. I hope that wherever you are that your day is full of light and joy and peace.