Thursday, June 26, 2014
I really don't want to, but I have to
Several years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. At the time I didn't give it a lot of thought, the label was there as an identifier, an explanation provided to the insurance company so they would cover my therapy sessions. Even now, more than 10 years later I don't really know exactly what the definition of the disorder is or if it is an accurate diagnosis for me. I am not sure it really matters. What matters is that "generalized anxiety" is a perfect description of what I have been feeling for the last few weeks. Edgy and jumpy and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth with nothing to point to as the cause. There is no more stress in my life than normal, there has been no major traumatic event, no trigger. Just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to pull into myself and not face the world, of wanting to hide. I have that feeling in my chest of a million wings beating, looking for the way out and my hands feel shaky even when they are rock steady.
Unfortunately Fortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want to hide away in my bed with the covers pulled over my head (not an exaggeration). My employers expect me to show up and actually do work to earn my paycheck. And that paycheck is vital, given my fondness for lights, air conditioning, and satellite TV (Falling Skies is back on!!!). So I get up and go to work, I face people and try to look them in the eye. And I pray. I pray for peace, I pray that I can make it the next 5 minutes, the next 8 hours. I pray for guidance and direction, for strength in my weakness. I know this will pass. I just have to hang on to His hand.