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To be fair, the book has NOTHING to do with weight loss, so why it triggered this idea was a bit of a mystery at first. I literally couldn't understand the connection my own mind was making between being vulnerable and a post about my progress (or lack of it) in the area of weight loss. But the mystery didn't last long, because I know what my biggest secret is. I know the thing that I NEVER share with anyone, the thing that embarrasses and humiliates me. The numbers on the scale. I do not ever tell anyone how much I weigh. EVER. So, when this idea presented itself my knee jerk reaction was "HECK NO!". But the notion has remained in the back of my mind. It won't let go of me, so I am going to do it. I am going to give you the numbers I hate the most in this world.
Current weight: 256.6lbs
Fasting blood sugar: 125
At the first of October I started a new weight loss plan. It was simple really, I went from 3 large meals a day to 5 to 6 much smaller meals and I started walking. Before I started adding steps to my day I was averaging about 2500 steps (I have a very sedentary job). That is NOT much. I wanted to get in at least 10,000 a day (still working on that!) so I started walking in the mornings before work, often times standing in front of the TV (like being on a treadmill, only no treadmill required). At first my blood sugar went nuts, so I had to really monitor it and my diet closely. It has leveled out now, which makes things much easier. Prior to October, my fasting blood sugar was running around 140 to 150 in the mornings. (For those not in the "know", that is high. Normal blood sugar usually stays around 70-90 and anything above about 125 is considered diabetic.) So, I am very happy with my 125 this morning.
Now, my weight, that is another matter. At the first of October I weighed in at 264. It took 2 weeks to lose 4lbs and then 2 days to gain back 2. And that is the way it has been, I will lose a few pounds and gain a little back over the weekend (relaxing too much). I get so frustrated by the whole process! I am having to fight for every single ounce I lose, and I HATE every second of it. I know without a doubt that if I am not careful I could gain back every bit of the 8 pounds I have lost in a matter of hours! It is frustrating and embarrassing and makes me feel like a fat slob and a failure..
That last sentence is precisely why I think I need to share these numbers here. It is embarrassing. It is frustrating. And I do feel like a failure. Going "public" is scarey. It puts me in a very vulnerable place. I am going to risk it because I feel like hiding these numbers gives them too much power over me. So, I am going to try this "weigh in" every Wednesday. I don't know how long it will last. I hope a long time, with numbers that continue to decrease (realistically I know that won't always be the case). I hope I don't bore you too much, I hope you understand where I am coming from and why I need to do this. And I hope you will pray for me.
Good for you, Tamara, both for having the guts to post this and for your determination to improve yourself, your health, and your life. Know that you are strong and brave, and you can do this--giving yourself the incentive by going public will only help you. I think it's great that you've lost eight pounds. It shows that you really can do it when you try! I will be following your struggle and pulling for you! And I believe the Lord will help you to keep on track and not get discouraged, even if you don't make as much progress as quickly as you hope. Brava to you and your efforts!
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine! Throwing these numbers out there for the world to see is definitely scarey, but also liberating! I am actually excited to see where this takes me! :)
DeleteI think this ia amazingly brave and very smart. You see, your writing friends are incredibly supportive and even on the weeks where there is less than perfect numbers, you will find encouragement and more importantly, love and acceptance.
ReplyDeleteYou want to be healthier and we want that, too! You go, darlin'!
Bravo, Tamara! You can do this, one step and one pound at a time. Every bit you lose and every time you walk, you are contributing to your health and well-being, so please remember to look at your journey as one of progress, even during the stretches when everything seems to be at a standstill. If you're still at it, you're still doing yourself a whole lot of good!
ReplyDeleteI'll be cheering for you every step of the way!
Beth