Thirty Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 05. Something you hope to do in your life.

Really? Does this strike anyone else as being a question about dreams?? Okay, the word used here is "hope" but we know what the question is really saying, right? Tell us something you dream about doing.....

And here we are again. Just reading that question causes me to freeze up completely. Why? Simply put, my dreams seem impossible.

I dream of a day when my husband will be pain free. I hope for a morning when he will wake up from a good night's sleep and pain will not be the first thing he feels. When I can ask "how are you feeling?" and the answer will be an honest, happy, and carefree "great!".

I dream of a little (but not too little) house out in the country on the land where I grew up. Enough room for me, the hubby, and the herd of fur babies. To be close enough to my mom to help out, but in our own place so everyone has their privacy. I dream of sitting on my covered porch listening to the wind in the trees and feeling the peace that comes from being home, truly home.

And yes, I dream of a day when money will not be an issue, when my bills are paid when they arrive, not when my paycheck does (and then, never all of them at once). A day when we can travel for pleasure and not worry too much about our bank balance.

I have lesser dreams/hopes too. Dreams of attending a sci-fi convention, of learning to knit, and yes, even a slowly growing dream of writing something that someone is willing to pay for (not sure when that happened exactly, I never had the desire to write before this blog!). But it's the big ones that get me. Those are the ones that I have to struggle just to say aloud.

As a woman who professes to believe in a God who can do all things, I am ashamed of my fear. I am ashamed to admit that these dreams feel so impossible. I am ashamed, but I am also forgiven. I am human and imperfect. I am loved and cherished by a God who is the definition of perfection. Where my faith may falter, my God will never fail. I may feel the fear that my dreams are impossible, but I still believe in the God who says that he will give me the desires of my heart.

Lord, forgive my fear, teach me to trust you. And please, make my dreams come true.

Don't let your dreams be dreams part 2

Well, this morning I did it. I actually wrote down some dreams and put them in the dream jar. I decided to use the cute little cut out hearts I got for Valentines Day from my friend Jerimi. What better way to put them to use? :)

My first dream is for my sweet hubby to be pain free. He has been dealing with chronic pain from a neck injury for almost his entire adult life. He was a volunteer firefighter in our little town and a house caved in on him. They got him out and at first everything seemed okay. Bumps and bruises and really, really sore for a while, but nothing too extreme. But over time it became obvious there was something wrong. He had suffered nerve damage and a herniated disc in his neck. We took the doctor's advice and he had surgery. Biggest mistake of our lives. Of course we were young and frightened and didn't know enough about dealing with doctors and such. We learned. 16 years and 3 surgeries later we are more cautious. Right now he is having to live on pain meds, balancing everything in his life on the next dose of medication. And we are considering another surgery. But the truth is, that probably won't help the pain. The nerves are damaged and they may never recover. And he has developed spinal stenosis and degenerative disc problems (the unmentioned side effects of back/neck surgery). All I want is for him to not be limited and held back by this pain. All I want is for him to get a good nights sleep, to feel refreshed, to feel energized. All I want is a miracle.

Dream #2 is probably something on everyone's bucket list. I want to travel. My grandparents visited all 50 states in their lifetimes, I would love to do that. This seems an impossible dream considering our finances, our house full of furry babies, and all the trials of traveling in constant pain (how could I ask him to do that??) But dreams are just that sometimes, impossible. And even impossible dreams are worth dreaming.

Dream #3 is much closer to home, and at the moment, just as impossible. I want to move back home. Not into my mother's house (Good Lord NO!) but onto her property. See, I am her only child and my step dad made darn sure I knew my responsibilities. "One day it will be just you and your mom, you have to take care of her". Well, he was almost right. He is gone (passed away 10 years ago this week) and it is just us.....and my dear hubby who does so much for my mom. He makes it possible for me not to worry so much about her. Still, it would be better if we could be closer. She has 40 acres of property and being right there would make it so much easier for the hubby to help keep the place in good repair (my step dad would roll over in his grave to see the state of things out there these days). And I wouldn't have to worry. But mom is very independent and not ready for this. So, we are stuck. At least for now.

Well, that wasn't too bad. I wrote 3 dreams and put them in a jar, and didn't have to break out the anxiety meds (yet). Dreams are prayers, you know. At least that's how I see them. A dream is a prayer to God, it is your deep desires made manifest to the Father. I think the reason I fear them is simply because I am afraid of His answer. Afraid to ask and look for the answer. Afraid the answer will be "no". 

Okay! That's enough self therapy and examination for one morning! Go check out my Thursday Thankfulness for the latest post and have a great day!  :-)

don't let your dreams be dreams

Okay, here it is, my long dreaded awaited dream post. I'm still not sure what I want to say or how to say it. But the GBE2 writing prompt this week is "Dream" so I am taking that as a sign that it's time to give it a try.

the making of a dream jar.

It all started with a dream jar. I read this post by Ashley over at little {mrs.} sunshine. Ashley's post inspired me to make dream jars for my coworkers for Christmas (which were a hit!) but it also wouldn't leave me alone. After that it seemed everywhere I turned I encountered the subject of dreaming. And I really began to feel some real fear about it.

Why? Why does the very word "dream" make me want to reach for my anxiety meds? I have spent a lot of time trying to sort that out. I don't have it all worked out, but here is what I know so far:

I can't remember ever dreaming about what I wanted to do when I grew up. Maybe I did (most kids do, right?) but I don't remember it. I never wanted to be an astronaut or a ballerina. I read a lot and loved music and as a mostly only child I spent a lot of time lost in my own imagination, creating playmates and adventures for myself; but I don't think that is the same thing. I can't remember ever giving thought to my future. I never considered college because I had no deep burning desire to study anything. I got out of high school and went to work. One thing led to another and I stumbled (with God's guidance) into my profession. It was never my plan, I had no plan. 

I fell in love at an early age, but I never planned to marry. I could claim that as the child of divorced parents I was skeptical of the whole notion. But that's not really true. I think it is more accurate to say that I never let myself see a future, any future at all, much less one that included marriage. Then one day I decided to marry him (my 1st love) and that was that. I never envisioned it, but once I set my sights on it, there was no other path for me. I do not regret this at all, I just find it interesting to really look at how my mind worked in this circumstance. One minute, marriage wasn't even part of my vocabulary. The next, we were planning the wedding. My sweet hubby is still confused by this I think. He was certain, right up until I walked down the aisle, that I would back out. (He has spent a lifetime trying to figure out how my mind works, poor guy)

I could go on and on. My whole life seems to be a series of happy (and yes, some not so happy) accidents that led me to this place (even this blog wasn't planned). I love the words of God in Jeremiah 29:11

I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Plans to give you hope and a future.

I have always found comfort and security in those words. In the knowledge that God has a plan for me, even if I don't. But lately I have begun to wonder if my fear of dreaming has held me back from that planned future. Dreams are all about hope and a future. Am I allowing my fear to hold me back? Yes, I think I am.

Don't let your dreams be dreams.....for me I think the first step has to be to let myself dream. To speak and write about what I want to happen in my life. This fear is crippling me. How in the world did I let this little thing become so powerful in my life?

Those dream jars I made as Christmas gifts, I made one for myself too. I never put anything in it. I think it's time I did. Just typing those words knots up my stomach and makes my breathing shallow. But I can do this. Right??

I am going to try. And for accountability, I will be bringing you, my faithful reader, along for the ride. So, if I go too long before I post something about dreams again, give me a nudge. Fear has no place in my heart. I don't want it there. I want to strive for the future that God has for me. I want to let myself dream and imagine what it might hold without fear. I really think that is what He wants for me too.

I'm going to try

NaBloPoMo asks about dreaming

NaBloPoMo writing prompt for today:
If you could be given the option to never sleep and also never be tired, would you take it if it meant you'd also never dream again?

Why does everyone keep asking me about dreams????

Okay, I know we aren't talking about my dreams for the future here, but still. It seems that every time I turn around I am reading something about dreams. Yes, I know. Someone is trying to get my attention on the subject. But frankly it scares me. I'm not ready yet. I actually have a draft of a dream post. Which is to say I have a title and a blank screen where the text goes. But it's a start, right??

Anyway, let's answer the question above for now and worry about my future dreams later (I promise, I will work on that post). If I could give up sleep and never be tired, would I do it and lose the ability to dream? Well, I think the answer is no. First of all, give up sleep?? It's my favorite past time! :)

Seriously though, no I wouldn't. I think sleep and dreaming are essential parts of what is is to be human. Think about the incredible things your brain comes up with when you leave it alone to do it's thing. Some are scarey, some are crazy, some are sad. Some are silly and happy, & some you can't even remember. But all are original and uniquely yours. Why would I give that up?

 This week's writing prompt for GBE2 is "Oh No, Not Again" and I think it ties in well, since that was my first thought when I read the dreaming question. Dreams just keep coming up, and I know that God is telling me it's time to deal with them. And writing about them will help me to clarify what it is I am so afraid of. Why does just thinking about the future make me reach for my anxiety meds? I will write that post, I will work it through and face my fears. Just not this morning! :)

random quote I love!