A new beginning

I have gotten off track this month with NaBloPoMo. Last week was a complete bust. I just couldn't find any words to share. My brain was a whirling dervish of random thoughts but I could not grasp a single one. That is what depression and anxiety do to me. Things are a little better today. At least I have the desire to try to write!

I know I am fortunate that these episodes don't last long. I know that so many people go weeks, months, or even years struggling to pull themselves out of the dark pit. I am blessed with an abundance of people who love me and support me when I get a little crazy. I am blessed above all with a heavenly Father who loves me and continues to reach out to me even when I can't see Him. I know he is there, always. Because that is His promise to us all. He will never leave us, He will never forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Today is the beginning of a new week. A fresh start. I am going to try to make it a good one!

Why?

Have you ever asked God "why"?

Why Lord, am I struggling? Why am I going through hard times? Worse yet, why are the people I love suffering? Where are you Lord? Why do these horrible things happen to such good people?

I'll admit it, I have. After years of watching my husband try to cope with unrelenting pain from an accident that occurred back when he was a volunteer firefighter, I have questioned God.
 
And it isn't just the pain (as if that weren't enough) but the struggles with managing the medications that make something resembling normal life possible. Medicines that are addictive and yet so vital to his day to day life. Today he has great control of his doses and a schedule that he watches closely. He also has my understanding and support. But he didn't always (a hard admission for me to make). For years I didn't understand, couldn't understand what he was dealing with. How could I really, having never experienced, this pain he lives with? In my ignorance I judged him, I questioned the need for all the medication, questioned his honesty, questioned everything. To be fair, we went through some really tough times, times when he did not have such good control. Times when the medicine controlled him instead of him controlling it. We fought and struggled against each other for the longest time before we realized what the real enemy was. Gradually we found each other again and learned to trust each other again. And we learned to stand as a united front against the pain, the medications, and the world. Because the majority of the world is just like I was, they can't understand. Unless you have lived it, or lived long enough with someone who lives with it; I don't know that true understanding is possible.

Yes, I have questioned God. I have lain in bed in the dark of night and cried because my husband wasn't there, couldn't be there in the bed with me because of this unrelenting pain. I wish I could tell you that I now have the answers. I don't. I may never understand why someone I love suffers so. But I have learned something. I have learned that if we allow it, God can take even our darkest moments and use them to bless others. I know this because I experienced it first hand just recently.

I have a (cyber) friend who is in a struggle very similar to my husband's struggle. There was an accident, multiple surgeries and procedures, and years of pain and pain medications. A few weeks ago she went through a really tough time. She was scheduled to see her doctor to get her medication filled but had to reschedule due to a family crisis. Then she found herself out of medicine and facing the weekend alone. Well, not quite alone. See, God had a plan. A way to take some of my hardest life lessons (and my husband's) and use them to help her through.

His plan actually began with her crisis. We private messaged on Facebook a few times about that and then exchanged phone numbers and began texting. Nothing profound or anything, just your run of the mill "how are you's" and "you can do this" kind of thing. So, when her long weekend arrived, we had already established a pattern of communication. It was easy, at least for me, to reach out and offer encouragement and support. Maybe it wasn't so easy for her, I don't know. Admitting the struggle is hard, though leaning on a relative stranger during those times can make it easier (voice of therapy and experience here). Anyway, all weekend I was just a text away. We would ramble on for a while, then she would fade out (resting or otherwise occupied). Then when she needed a boost she would be back. It wasn't anything overwhelmingly miraculous, just one person being there for another. But in a way, if you think about it, it was kind of miraculous. Because God was able to use me in some small way to help someone else. He was able to use our hardships to bless another person.

I still pray everyday for a miracle, I still have days when I cry out "why?". I probably always will, it's just part of being human. But in the meantime, I find comfort in knowing that our struggles are not in vain, that God can use us, use our hardships to help someone else.....

Or, more accurately, when it seems He is silent. Sometimes I think I can't hear Him because I am too distracted by life....

Don't forget to check out my Thursday Thankfulness post today. And please keep the communities of Boston, Massachusetts and West, Texas in your prayers. 

It was only yesterday.....

Well, it seems like only yesterday that I was sitting outside a delivery room in small Texas hospital waiting for my best friend/cousin in-law's first child to be born. Has it really been 22 years? And did said child just tell me last week that she is pregnant?? It can't be so.

But it is so. It really is. wow.

I am terrified. And thrilled. And feeling kind of old. And grateful to be feeling all the above. Because her momma, my best friend and cousin in-law, passed away in 1999. I believe in heaven, and I believe she is there, watching over both her girls and is super proud and excited to be a grandma. But she isn't here. Is it wrong that this makes me grateful that I am? I hope not. I am so grateful to have the chance to be a part of the next generation, to watch another piece of our family grow. And the best part, I get to be an honorary grandma. I think my friend would like that. (One day I am going to tell you about her, just not today)

It was only yesterday that I fell in love with a beautiful baby girl. How can it be that she is all grown up and about to embark on parenthood herself?

Today's life lesson: Time flies, it flies whether you are having fun or not. One minute you are cuddling a baby, the next she is all grown up and telling you (via text!) that she is having a baby of her own. Time flies, folks. So we might as well have some fun.

Me and said child in 1991

and us in 2012, where did the time go??

early Monday morning thoughts and prayer

It's 5:15 am and I am in front of the computer. Why? Because it's quiet in the house at this hour. Quiet is sometimes hard to find around here. We don't have kids, so I can't blame them. See, our house is small, and our computer literally sits next to the TV. Right next to it. And if my husband is conscious, the TV is on. Even if he isn't really watching it.

I don't do this. If I have something I want to watch, I sit down and watch it. Otherwise the TV is off because it is way too distracting. I have a one track mind, and the bright moving pictures and babble are compelling, even if I am not interested in what is being said.

Another reason I am up early to write is guilt. I have been spending a lot of time on this computer writing lately. And I feel guilty. James spends all day here alone, then I come home and sit down at the computer and try to focus. This means ignoring him.

If you don't know us you may be wondering why James spends all day alone. What about a job? Doesn't he see people when he goes to work? There is a story there, and I want to tell it. But not today. I don't have that much time this morning. That's definitely a weekend post. Or 2. Plus, I want his permission since it's his story. The short answer is that his job is managing my mom's storage rental business and taking care of her property. And this job doesn't really involve a paycheck, per say. Another story. I promise to write it soon. And get permission to share.

Anyway, I am up early and my husband is heavy on my mind at heart. He did the sweetest thing when he came to bed this morning. Yes, this morning. He doesn't sleep much. This may not have been his first trip to bed, I could have slept through 15 attempts at sleep. I sleep hard, he barely sleeps. Anyway....this time when he crawled into bed he reached out and placed his hand on my arm and prayed for me. Not out loud. But after 20 years of marriage, I know his prayer when I feel it. And right now I feel covered in grace. And love. That's a pretty great way to start a Monday.

Lord, be with James today. Pour blessings and mercy over his heart and soul. Draw him close to your side and protect him from harm. Thank you, Father, for bringing this man in to my life, for making him my helpmate, lover, and friend. I would also ask a special blessing on all who come visit here today and read these words. Meet whatever needs they have buried in their hearts, bless their families and all the work of their hands. Thank you for the potential for a beautiful, busy day. Thank you for loving us all. Amen

My helper this morning. Silly girl. :)

Sunday thoughts and some pictures

Last Sunday I started something that I would really like to see become a habit. I am going to call it "Sunday thoughts". Basically this is going to be a wrap up of the previous weeks inspiration. Pictures, quotes, other blogs, anything I saw that inspired me, made me think, laugh, smile, or cry I want to share with you. I hope this is a habit I can stick to and that it will be a blessing to you.

I found 2 blog posts today that really touched my heart. The first is written by Trinka Polite and is titled Breathe...
 I hope you will click the link and read the whole thing, but I want to share my favorite line:

My other grandmother told me that’s how I came to be. 
God took my body and in it He breathed.   
So when you inhale and exhale notice your breath 
and realize God is dwelling in your chest.

God is dwelling in my chest. The gift of life is so precious and is something I tend to take for granted. I really want to remember to just slow down and breath.

The second blog I wanted to share is written by Ashley McKenney and is titled Come Away with Me (as NJ says) 

Please click the link. This blog is full of some really beautiful images. And Ashley has some really good insight into finding balance between being a parent and being a person. I think a lot of my "mommy" and "daddy" friends will appreciate her words.
  

Now, can I share with you some pictures from my phone?
Of course I can, cause it's my blog!

 Yesterday we were out at my mom's place and while my hubby worked, I wandered around taking pictures. I do this a lot and my mom just shakes her head at me. She doesn't get it. :-)
I love this place. I was raised here and one day I want to move back, if my stubborn parent will permit it. 
I love this image, the contrast of colors just speaks to my heart. God made this simple thing and created it with so much care and beauty. It blesses me.

This is my sweet husband mowing on the tractor. He really got a lot more than he bargained for when he fell in love with me, because I am a complete momma's girl. He will never escape my never ending drive to be there for mom. And he takes it in stride. Sometimes I think he loves her more than I do. He is a great helpmate and son in law. 

I saved this screen shot of a text message between me and my hubby a while back. It makes me smile every time I stumble across it. He really gets me. Route 44 Sonic drinks are a great weakness of mine, I can't pass one without wanting to stop. He gets that. He gets me. How awesome is that? 

 This is one of my many fur babies, Tom-Tom.
Isn't he beautiful? 

Here are a few quotes I picked up around the web this week:

 "I start in the middle of a sentence and move both directions at once." -John Coltrane 

"People who make you laugh are the best people in the world" -Emma White

 "In war, there are no unwounded soldiers" -Jose Narosky

"If we learn to be amazed at what God has done and is doing in our lives, we will never be without hope" -Joyce Meyer

and my favorite this week:

"Follow me and I will make you fishers of the human soul" -Jesus Christ

(from "The Book of God" which is the Bible written as a novel. I love this spin on the traditional "fishers of men")

The last thing I want to share I got from a Facebook friend. I won't use her name here, to protect her privacy. But I just had to share her thoughts with you. If you are a "facebooker" you know that during the month of November a lot of folks try to post a daily thankfulness thought. I saw tons today about being grateful for our Veterans (it's Veterans Day today) and that is wonderful. We should all always be grateful for those who put their lives on the line for our freedom. But my friend had something a little different to say:

 

DAY 11: I guess I could take the easy way out and say I am thankful for our vets and I am but instead I want to say today I am thankful for all the people who love them and are left behind to worry about them...I am thankful for the ones they come home to ... more times than not the vet that comes home is not the same person that left.. these people have to stay strong and learn to love all over again sometimes a whole new person..so thank you family and loved ones you are also my heroes

(beautiful!!)

okay, that's it for this Sunday. I hope that something here has blessed you, inspired you, made you think, or just made you smile. God bless!

It's Thursday and I'm thankful.......

I was really kind of worried about today's post because I was really NOT feeling it this morning. If you saw yesterday's entry, you probably figured out that all the post election drama on Facebook and Twitter (and some of the blogs I read) really got to me. Not to mention I have been really tired, like slap you for looking at me wrong tired, so I wasn't feeling very patient or forgiving.




When I got in my car to head to work God and I had a talk. It went something like this:

Me: Heads up Lord, I really am not in the mood for this today so you are gonna have to do something. I am not going to get through this day without your intervention.
God:......................
Me: You hear me right? I need my job, so a "F.A.Y." moment (if you have ever worked with me you probably know what this is, it's legendary. If not, well let's just say it's not one of my finer moments) is not acceptable. You HAVE to do something, because I am too tired to keep my mouth shut.
God:......................
Me: Seriously, I need your help to find my joy, to be able to be your representative in that place. And not kill people.
God:......................
Me: okay, balls in your court now.....Amen

Once I got to work I logged on to Twitter reluctantly, and was glad to see that most of the drama has died down (thank you Lord!). On a whim I tweeted something to a group I follow called "People of the Second Chance":

Tamara Tipton ‏@TamaraTipton

@POTSC I am seeking inspiration to get me through this day. Got anything for me?

Honestly, I really wasn't expecting a response. I mean, who am I? I barely have a dozen followers on Twitter and at least 4 of them are personal friends that I am sure haven't been on Twitter in at least the last 3 years. Why would a perfect stranger pay any attention to my one little tweet among many others?

Now, let's refer back to my earlier conversation with God. I made it seem he wasn't listening, didn't I? That would be because in my mind I wasn't really sure he was. I mean, it wasn't an "official" prayer after all. More like a rant aimed in his general direction.

Turns out though, he was listening. And he tweets. Okay, maybe HE doesn't tweet, but he does direct people who do. Here are a few:

israel hogue ‏@israelhogue

just the fact that you would ask is awesome!! YOU'VE inspired ME!! Praying grace and peace to you today. 

 POTSC ‏@POTSC

  this is full of inspiration: http://pinterest.com/potsc/  & the stories on http://potsc.com  are ammmaaazzzinnng. We love you! 

Donald Paz ‏@draggabeats

 inspiring tweet » https://twitter.com/UrbanThreshold/status/266575547524591617 …

"As you put actions behind your prayers, your faith comes alive and opens the door for God to move mightily on your behalf."

TR Robertson ‏@trripleplay

http://titus2tea.blogspot.com

This one is my favorite because it took me to a great blog that I will be adding to my reading list. And it included this great picture:  

This brings back so many happy memories of my great grandmother. This very print hung on the wall in her home. It's like a hug straight from God.

So, today I am thankful for my God, who listens to my 1/2 prayer 1/2 rants with complete attention and meets my needs in a beautiful and unique way. And I am thankful for the strangers who are willing to follow the His leading to reach out and inspire a perfect stranger.  

Glass

I love the song "Glass" by Thompson Square

I have listened to it over and over this week. It has been another hard week for me, I had a bad panic attack on Wednesday (see my post in thursday thankfulness for more on that). I love the entire song, but my favorite line is

"We are fragile, we are human

We are shaped by the light we let through us"

By the light we LET through us. I have felt very fragile this week. Very human. And it would be very easy to let that overwhelm me, to pull the shutters over my heart and let my world become very dark. But we are called to rise above ourselves. To let His light shine through us. Even when all I want is to hide away and cry. I am not perfect. I am not not even close. But I am forgiven. God's light lives in me. I hope and pray that you can see it.

Manna from Heaven

I think I may have mentioned before how I love to listen to audio books. This week I started listening to one I had heard before years ago, "The Book of God" by Walter Wangerin Jr. It is the bible, written as a novel. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. It is written in such a way that truly brings the people alive in your mind. It really brings the truth of the word and the fragility of the human mind and spirit into sharp focus for me, reminding me that what was true all those years ago is still true today. Humans are weak, we stray from God and fall away. God is faithful and forgiving, picking us up, dusting us off, and returning us to the path again and again.

The story of the Israelites wandering the desert caught my attention this week and has not left me alone. Specially, how God provided Manna for their daily needs. (Exodus Chapter 16) They were so ungrateful! God has just picked them up out of bondage, overcome their captors, pushed back the red sea and is leading them through the desert to the promised land. When they begin to complain about hunger, God feeds them with bread from heaven! Can you imagine it?!? Food raining down from the sky. All they have to do is go outside and pick it up. That's it. No hunting, not plowing land or harvesting crops. No work involved at all. But before long the people get tired of this miracle and it seemed to them to be not so miraculous anymore. How horrible, how childish, how completely ungrateful! It seems to me that God's chosen people are spoiled brats!

hmmmmm.....

I think maybe I just described myself. 

I am not rich. I don't live in a big, beautiful home or wear designer fashions. By American standards of living I am poor. But when I am hungry there is food in the kitchen. When I am hot I turn down the air conditioning, when I am cold (which is almost never) I turn on the heat. I have a job, and good health insurance. I have a flat screen TV, an mp3 player, books to read, a phone to call or text a friend. I have a car to drive, and my husband has a truck. I could go on and on. I am literally covered up in blessings, my own personal manna from heaven. How often do I truly appreciate it? More often than not I am not looking at what I have, but what I want.

Sounds like I have a lot more in common with the Israelites than I might want to admit.....

Father, forgive me for ignoring all the blessings that surround me. My eyes are blinded, and all I can see is my lack. But you have blessed me with the riches of this land, and so much more importantly, with the unending mercy and grace of your love. Move my heart to better appreciate my blessings and to use those blessings to your glory. Thank you for all that you have given. All that you have sacrificed for me. I love you Lord. My love is a feeble thing by comparison with yours, but it is the deepest and most powerful gift I possess. It is yours, take it and use it daily.

Inspiration

So this morning I woke up wanting to write SOMETHING. Problem is, I had no inspiration. There is nothing particular on my mind, no driving need or urge for a specific message. As I have mentioned before, this only works for me if I feel God's guidance in the process. I am not a writer. I can barely speak a coherent sentence in a conversation, much less put something meaningful on paper (or in this case, a computer screen).

I should tell you that I went directly to my bible looking for guidance. But that would be a lie. First, I procrastinated a bit by calling my sister to chat. Then I wandered over to Facebook and commented on a few posts and pictures. After Facebook, I decided to check out a few blogs that I follow. And there it was, my inspiration. Karen Walrond writes a blog called "Choolooloonks" and I love it. She takes the most amazing pictures of the everyday things and she always says something that makes me think.The blog I read today was titled "focusing and daring greatly". Yeah, I needed that. In it she shares about her excitement and fears concerning a new venture and how she tends to fall back on the coping mechanism of focusing on one aspect at a time instead of the big picture. Then she asks the question,

 how do you make yourself do something that you're scared to do?


Well, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do???

Most of my life I have played it safe, especially where my faith is concerned. For years I went to church every time the doors opened, sat in the back, and listened to the message. I was saved, but I wasn't growing. I wasn't stretching my faith or seeking new and deeper insight in my walk with God. Heck, I wasn't even walking with Him, he was carrying me the way a parent carries a small child whose legs are too short to keep pace. I read the bible, I could quote scripture. But that isn't enough, and eventually I started missing church and thinking it was okay, they wouldn't miss me (after all, all I did was warm a pew). Truth is, most of the people probably didn't miss me, cause I was just taking up space.

God missed me though. He had been missing me for a while. It took almost 6 years for him to break through my defenses (I am nothing if not stubborn) and reach my heart. He knows me well, so he didn't waste a lot of time with sweet talk. He grabbed my by my shoulders and shook me and said, Come on girl! I created you for MORE. You might think you are not important in this world, but I say you are. If you believe in me, you have to get up and follow me!

Okay, before you start thinking I need to up my meds, he didn't literally shake me, there was no burning bush or angel or anything so dramatic, But he did speak to my heart. If you have ever felt the presence of God, you know exactly what I mean. For me it is a knowing, a certainty in my spirit. A force too strong to be ignored or put off.  

Do this thing I have asked and trust me with it's outcome.  Okay Lord. I will. I will start a prayer group on Facebook and revive the one at work. I will go back to church and volunteer to sing with the praise group and yes, I will even start a blog. I will trust you to move hearts, open doors, make the way. I will learn to listen for your voice, not just in the bible, but in the world. I will look for all the inspiration you have placed in my path and be mindful of my step.

So, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do? I trust God. I listen to him and I trust that no matter the outcome, he is in control. He is my inspiration...


 here is a link to Karen's blog, just in case you are interested: Focusing and daring greatly-wildly convinced you're uncommonly beautiful

Captured

How great You are, how small I am

How awesome is Your mighty hand

And I am captured by the wonder of it all.

That is the chorus to the song "How Great You Are" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean.
I can't seem to get it out of my head, or maybe my heart. Am I truly captured? So many things compete for my attention everyday. Life is so full of ups and downs, joys and sorrows, frustrations and stress. And it seems that the frustration and stress are the things that really capture my focus and attention. Why do I let that happen? Because despite what I tell myself, it is a choice I make everyday. I choose to be caught up in either God's joy and purpose or I choose to be caught up in the world and it's frustration, stress, and negativity.

The world requires so much from us, it seems to drive us to perfection, and when we don't reach it, we are left feeling empty and hurt. God requires only one thing from us, love. Because if we love him, truly love him; the rest will follow. We will be captured by all the wonder around us. I want to walk in that wonder. I want to be captured today by God's grace and love, not by the stresses of my daily life.

Lord, 

Walk with me today. I have great intentions, but I am weak. I know that it will only take a second to distract me from the path you have put before me. When this happens, recapture my attention and draw my focus back to you. I love you Father, and I am grateful beyond words for your forgiveness and acceptance of me, just as I am. I am so small and you are so great, and yet you do know my name. You know so much more of me than I even know myself, and you still love me. Thank you for that miracle of love.

 Amen

one of THOSE days

Yesterday was definitely one of those days. You know, the kind where you wake up with a light heart and you feel like you could take on the world because you KNOW that God has your back. I felt so close to him.

 I have the luxury of being able to listen to audiobooks or music while I work (on headphones) and I was in such a great mood, I chose praise and worship music. And it felt like every song I listened to had something in it just for me. Have you ever felt that? It is such an incredible feeling. I kept rewinding the songs to listen again, thinking how awesome each one was and how reflected just how I was feeling. I was so upbeat as I took a few minutes to send out prayer requests to our prayer group, I even found the perfect scripture to capture the moment:

  "You have rescued me! I will celebrate and shout, singing praises to you with all my heart." Psalm 71:23 

Perfect, right?!?! And I just kept thinking what a great day this was shaping up to be. All of this happened within the first 3 hours of my workday. After that, it all went downhill. Too much work, not enough people to shoulder the load, and too many things going on led to a very stressful and frustrating conclusion. I was so down by the time 3:30 came (well 3:45 really 'cause I was running late) I couldn't wait to escape.In the back of my mind I kept thinking, what the hell happened???? (sorry if the language offends, yes this christian cusses)

Finally it dawned on me, life happened. I have heard it said so often, God doesn't promise sunshine and rainbows, he promises to walk through the rain with you. Somehow, I always associate that thought with the really bad times. You know, illness, financial problems, big bad things that we all like to pretend only happen other people. I picture thunderstorms with lightening flashing all around, hurricanes or tornadoes with strong winds that push and pull at my soul. But sometimes all it takes is a brief downpour to throw us off track. And God is always there. He didn't leave me, I left him. I let the confusion and stress of the moment block my view of his face. But he always had his eyes on me. He was waiting, just waiting for me to reconnect with him; to see that he had his arms outstretched, ready to comfort and sooth my soul. Ready to put me back on the path and restore my gladness.

  Do you see? Do you see him waiting? I do. 

One of the songs I love! Always speaks to my heart :)

 

Blessed

So I am at work this morning and I got some news that I can't share but it really affected my out look on my world. And you know what I realize? I am so blessed. I have had the same job for 16 years. It isn't fancy or life changing. It doesn't pay the big bucks, in fact I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. But as I look around I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by the friendships and respect I have found here. I have always known that God led me here, I just never really understood why. Lately I have come to think that maybe he led me here simply to be. To be in a place where I can connect with other people and share my faith. A place where I can look around and see this person or that person and think how incredible they are and how much I wish God's blessings on them. Maybe I am here to learn to see these people and my own life through God's eyes. We all tend to think that if we are not out changing the world that we are somehow a failure, if we don't have the fancy degree or make loads of cash that we are beneath notice. We are NEVER beneath the notice of the one who created us. And we can and do change the world, just by being in it. By living where God has placed us and loving the people he has placed there beside us. And recognizing every now and then the wonder of it all. Wow, I really am so blessed!