What are you reading?

I love to read. I think we have covered this in earlier posts, right?!?

 Right now I am finishing up "Allegiant" by Veronica Roth. This is the 3rd book in the series that began with "Divergent". I am going to miss these characters when I am done. They are interesting and complex, a great mixture of fragility and strength, of anger and love. In other words, very real. I have enjoyed this peek into a world so different from my own very much, it is so different and yet the humanity of it is so much the same. For example, I found the following passage really spoke to my heart about my own relationship.

"I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that's true of beginnings, but it's not true of this, now."

"I fell in love with him. But I don't stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me."

I choose him and he chooses me. Every day. Over and over again. Not because we don't have other choices available to us, but because those choices pale in comparison to what who we already have. I can't imagine my life without him in it. Plain and simple. He is perfect for me. I love him.

Don't you just love those moments when a story speaks the words hidden deep in your heart, words you didn't even realize were there until you read them?

I have a problem

They say the first step to conquering your weaknesses is to admit you have a problem. Well folks, I have a problem. Currently my problem is sitting on top of my computer cabinet, looking all festive and happy, kind of like this:

Image source

Yes, my problem is a gift! Specifically it is a gift for me, for my birthday. A birthday that is still 11 days away. My sweet hubby is torturing me with this wrapped present. He knows how much I hate to wait, how a wrapped gift just calls to me, begging to be opened (I can hear it calling me now!).

This shouldn't be a problem right? I am a grown up girl, I can open my gift whenever I want to. One little stumbling block to that notion, I also have a thing about having something to open on my birthday. So, one gift.....if I open it now then I get to have whatever is inside. BUT I won't have anything to open on my actual birthday (which by the way, better include cake!).

I am like this at Christmas too. And he takes full advantage of it, wrapping presents weeks in advance and placing them under our little tree. Then he points them out to me, talking about all the possibilities endlessly. And it doesn't stop there. I try to hold off on bringing his gifts into the house because I know the moment I do I will want to give them to him. (I really can't stand an unopened gift!) So he bugs me until I bring his gifts home and place them under the tree. Then the real fun begins (for him) because as I have said, I hate an unopened gift. So, everyday I ask "can we open one?" and everyday he tells me "No, wait one more day" or "if we do, we won't have anything to open for Christmas, it's up to you." Sneaky, conniving man!  It's torture, I tell you!!

My current method of battle is to try to ignore the thing, but that really isn't working very well. I wonder, is there a support group out there somewhere for people like me???

__________________________

This post was written in response to the GBE2 writing prompt "First Steps". I hope you enjoyed my little rant about my very "first world" problem. I do in fact realize how blessed I am to have a husband who saves the money to buy me a gift, wraps it (how many guys take the time for that?), and even knows me well enough to have some fun with it! In truth, as long as I have him I have everything I need (though I still want the gift!). :)

Crockpot lids and temper tantrums

You know what the good thing about being married is? You have someone to come home to, someone to share the ups and downs of life with, someone who loves you even when you are not at your best.

Know what the bad thing is? They get a front row seat to your worst moments. You know, those crazy, stupid moments when you just lose your mind and say and do things that most people who know you would never believe came from YOU.

I had one of those moments last night. It was completely stupid and totally avoidable. It was all about the crockpot. Specifically, the lid to the crockpot. It was 9 pm and I had just remembered that I needed (wanted really) to put some chicken on to cook so I could use some for my lunch today. I should have done this when I got home at 4:30. But I was more interested in the TV, dinner, the computer, a bath, a book....you get the picture, right?

So, it's 9 pm and I am in full on panic mode because I left the water running in the tub and "I HAVE to get the chicken in the crockpot NOW". I could have gone and turned off the bath water, but that thought didn't enter my mind, and when my hubby suggested it I wasn't real receptive. I got the crockpot out of the pantry, but the lid isn't there. The lid is ALWAYS there. That's where I keep it. ALWAYS.

"Mother EXPLETIVE" I say, loudly. Very loudly. While rummaging through the shelves looking for the lid I am sure my (innocent) husband put in the wrong place. And to top it off the (innocent) man is ignoring me. So I repeat myself. And he says nothing. So I get louder. And he finally responds, but not as I think he should. He basically tells me to calm down and LOOK for the stupid lid because I must have put it someplace else. Which of course is not true. I would NOT do this. I ALWAYS put the lid with the crockpot. ALWAYS. I tell him this, and not very sweetly. I don't actually say I think he lost my lid, but the implication is there. And I AM LOOKING for the EXPLETIVE lid. It's not here.

And then I see it. Sitting on top of the microwave. Where my husband did not place it. I did. Because the handle broke and I was intending to fix it. Which I never did. CRAP.

I didn't apologize. I should have. Right then and there. And I might have if he hadn't said those 4 little words no man should ever say to a pissed off woman. I TOLD YOU SO. No he did NOT. So, no apology.

I feel really bad about that. Because none of this was his fault. I was tired, and lazy, and really would have survived just fine without chicken for lunch today (it's cheap pizza day at the pizza place next door after all). And I am supposed to be better than this. I am a born again christian woman, a believer and a follower of God. I am supposed to be better. But I am not. What I am is forgiven. By God, and I hope by my husband. Both of them deserve better from me.

So, James, I am sorry. I am so sorry I snapped at you and cussed at you, and I am sorry I didn't apologize in the moment. I am sorry too for all the other times over the years when I didn't say I am sorry when I was. Thank you for loving me, for always forgiving me for being a crazy woman. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you.

early Monday morning thoughts and prayer

It's 5:15 am and I am in front of the computer. Why? Because it's quiet in the house at this hour. Quiet is sometimes hard to find around here. We don't have kids, so I can't blame them. See, our house is small, and our computer literally sits next to the TV. Right next to it. And if my husband is conscious, the TV is on. Even if he isn't really watching it.

I don't do this. If I have something I want to watch, I sit down and watch it. Otherwise the TV is off because it is way too distracting. I have a one track mind, and the bright moving pictures and babble are compelling, even if I am not interested in what is being said.

Another reason I am up early to write is guilt. I have been spending a lot of time on this computer writing lately. And I feel guilty. James spends all day here alone, then I come home and sit down at the computer and try to focus. This means ignoring him.

If you don't know us you may be wondering why James spends all day alone. What about a job? Doesn't he see people when he goes to work? There is a story there, and I want to tell it. But not today. I don't have that much time this morning. That's definitely a weekend post. Or 2. Plus, I want his permission since it's his story. The short answer is that his job is managing my mom's storage rental business and taking care of her property. And this job doesn't really involve a paycheck, per say. Another story. I promise to write it soon. And get permission to share.

Anyway, I am up early and my husband is heavy on my mind at heart. He did the sweetest thing when he came to bed this morning. Yes, this morning. He doesn't sleep much. This may not have been his first trip to bed, I could have slept through 15 attempts at sleep. I sleep hard, he barely sleeps. Anyway....this time when he crawled into bed he reached out and placed his hand on my arm and prayed for me. Not out loud. But after 20 years of marriage, I know his prayer when I feel it. And right now I feel covered in grace. And love. That's a pretty great way to start a Monday.

Lord, be with James today. Pour blessings and mercy over his heart and soul. Draw him close to your side and protect him from harm. Thank you, Father, for bringing this man in to my life, for making him my helpmate, lover, and friend. I would also ask a special blessing on all who come visit here today and read these words. Meet whatever needs they have buried in their hearts, bless their families and all the work of their hands. Thank you for the potential for a beautiful, busy day. Thank you for loving us all. Amen

My helper this morning. Silly girl. :)