You know what the good thing about being married is? You have someone to come home to, someone to share the ups and downs of life with, someone who loves you even when you are not at your best.
Know what the bad thing is? They get a front row seat to your worst moments. You know, those crazy, stupid moments when you just lose your mind and say and do things that most people who know you would never believe came from YOU.
I had one of those moments last night. It was completely stupid and totally avoidable. It was all about the crockpot. Specifically, the lid to the crockpot. It was 9 pm and I had just remembered that I needed (wanted really) to put some chicken on to cook so I could use some for my lunch today. I should have done this when I got home at 4:30. But I was more interested in the TV, dinner, the computer, a bath, a book....you get the picture, right?
So, it's 9 pm and I am in full on panic mode because I left the water running in the tub and "I HAVE to get the chicken in the crockpot NOW". I could have gone and turned off the bath water, but that thought didn't enter my mind, and when my hubby suggested it I wasn't real receptive. I got the crockpot out of the pantry, but the lid isn't there. The lid is ALWAYS there. That's where I keep it. ALWAYS.
"Mother EXPLETIVE" I say, loudly. Very loudly. While rummaging through the shelves looking for the lid I am sure my (innocent) husband put in the wrong place. And to top it off the (innocent) man is ignoring me. So I repeat myself. And he says nothing. So I get louder. And he finally responds, but not as I think he should. He basically tells me to calm down and LOOK for the stupid lid because I must have put it someplace else. Which of course is not true. I would NOT do this. I ALWAYS put the lid with the crockpot. ALWAYS. I tell him this, and not very sweetly. I don't actually say I think he lost my lid, but the implication is there. And I AM LOOKING for the EXPLETIVE lid. It's not here.
And then I see it. Sitting on top of the microwave. Where my husband did not place it. I did. Because the handle broke and I was intending to fix it. Which I never did. CRAP.
I didn't apologize. I should have. Right then and there. And I might have if he hadn't said those 4 little words no man should ever say to a pissed off woman. I TOLD YOU SO. No he did NOT. So, no apology.
I feel really bad about that. Because none of this was his fault. I was tired, and lazy, and really would have survived just fine without chicken for lunch today (it's cheap pizza day at the pizza place next door after all). And I am supposed to be better than this. I am a born again christian woman, a believer and a follower of God. I am supposed to be better. But I am not. What I am is forgiven. By God, and I hope by my husband. Both of them deserve better from me.
So, James, I am sorry. I am so sorry I snapped at you and cussed at you, and I am sorry I didn't apologize in the moment. I am sorry too for all the other times over the years when I didn't say I am sorry when I was. Thank you for loving me, for always forgiving me for being a crazy woman. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you.