It's raining

It is raining here today. We need the rain, and I love the sound of it on the roof of our little home. It has been another tough week here. James' thumb is healing slowly, but surely. We went to see the doctor and he changed the antibiotics, which helped tremendously.

Thursday I began to notice that I have a sore on my arm. By that evening I found 2 more and decided they must be ringworm's (new kittens will get you every time). Then Friday morning I woke up itching and burning all over, with a lovely red rash prominently displayed on my neck. Well, I am not one to suffer itching in silence, so back to the doctor I went. 

My doctor is a very kind, very patient man. After listening to me ramble on for a while about my panic attacks and anxiety, and examining my neck and arm, he gently informed me that I am a walking fungal infection. Apparently I have 2 strikes against me here.

• I am a diabetic, and that can (and has in the past) make me more susceptible to fungal infections.
• Little known fact, at least to me, panic attacks can make you more susceptible to fungal infections.

To which I can only shake my head and laugh. 

At least laughter is good medicine for the soul.......


And so are the prescription meds he prescribed for me. Now, if they would start working, that would be even better.

So, what does this post have to do with my faith? Because that is what this blog is supposed to be about, right? I have this one thing, no matter what God is still God. Whether I feel it or I don't, he is still the same. Unchanging. Always reaching out for me. Always loving, always forgiving. Always God.

That is the best medicine for my soul ever.

And here we have Maggie May, the furry monster who gave me ringworm, and her faithful friend Boo-Boo.

Not a victim

I need to get this deep in my spirit, cause God didn't create me to be a victim! I am meant for victory through God's strength and grace.

Restore my joy

It was a long weekend. Well, really it was a long week. Jury duty on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday; 2 doctor's appts on Thursday followed up with an anxiety attack that left me wiped out the rest of that day and the next. Then Friday evening my husband cut his thumb on his table saw and off we went to the ER. 11 stitches for that. And we learned something, thumbs have the potential for great pain!

This morning when I got up for work I really struggled with feelings of anxiety and fear about leaving the house. Silly really, but I have had this same struggle often through the years. After an anxiety attack I have trouble finding my footing in the world. On days like this I truly believe the only thing that gets me out the door is the greater fear of losing my job.

So, off I go out into the world to face the day, ready or not. Lately I have developed the habit of cruising through cyberspace in my free time looking for inspiration to lift me up. Today I found 2 things that leaped out at me. The first was on Joyce Meyers Facebook page. She had this to say: "The sooner we learn that feelings are fickle, the better off we are. " No kidding.

The second is Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Yeah, I think that is my prayer for today.

Restore my joy, Father. Help me to overcome my fickle feelings and live the abundant life that your salvation provides. Amen

FAY days

Today I am not feeling very strong in my faith, or like a person of any substance. I had an anxiety attack yesterday when I left my doctors office after a routine appointment. I am not dying or anything so don't worry. I think I just reached my limit on personal strength. And so I broke. I was supposed to go back to work, but I drove straight home, took some medicine I keep around for these rare attacks and went to bed.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing it helps. It helps to put it out there for anyone (or no one) to see. I am fragile. My life is built upon strength, but it isn't mine. Sometimes I forget that and I carry the load on my own shoulders. And it gets heavy. Fast. And sooner or later, I break under the strain.

I went through a period in my life when these attacks were almost a weekly (and sometimes daily) occurrence. At work we even have a short hand name for them "FAY". It comes from something I said to the group in the middle of one such melt down one day years ago. The "f" I will let you figure out, but rest is "all" & "y'all". Not my finest moment. But I survived and even found humor in the memory.....

Another reason I am sharing this is because I want anyone who reads this to realize that being saved and forgiven by God, being his child, lead by his spirit and word does not mean you don't have bad days. Just because I am broken now, doesn't mean I am not saved. I tripped and fell, I dropped the load I was carrying. A load I did not have to carry alone. And I will get back up, through God's love and grace. I don't really feel that way at this particular moment, but I KNOW it. Because God's word says it. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

I am having a bad day today. But I believe that God is my strength and He will bring me through this. And he can do that for you as well.  

And I am here if you need a friend....

Manna from Heaven

I think I may have mentioned before how I love to listen to audio books. This week I started listening to one I had heard before years ago, "The Book of God" by Walter Wangerin Jr. It is the bible, written as a novel. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. It is written in such a way that truly brings the people alive in your mind. It really brings the truth of the word and the fragility of the human mind and spirit into sharp focus for me, reminding me that what was true all those years ago is still true today. Humans are weak, we stray from God and fall away. God is faithful and forgiving, picking us up, dusting us off, and returning us to the path again and again.

The story of the Israelites wandering the desert caught my attention this week and has not left me alone. Specially, how God provided Manna for their daily needs. (Exodus Chapter 16) They were so ungrateful! God has just picked them up out of bondage, overcome their captors, pushed back the red sea and is leading them through the desert to the promised land. When they begin to complain about hunger, God feeds them with bread from heaven! Can you imagine it?!? Food raining down from the sky. All they have to do is go outside and pick it up. That's it. No hunting, not plowing land or harvesting crops. No work involved at all. But before long the people get tired of this miracle and it seemed to them to be not so miraculous anymore. How horrible, how childish, how completely ungrateful! It seems to me that God's chosen people are spoiled brats!

hmmmmm.....

I think maybe I just described myself. 

I am not rich. I don't live in a big, beautiful home or wear designer fashions. By American standards of living I am poor. But when I am hungry there is food in the kitchen. When I am hot I turn down the air conditioning, when I am cold (which is almost never) I turn on the heat. I have a job, and good health insurance. I have a flat screen TV, an mp3 player, books to read, a phone to call or text a friend. I have a car to drive, and my husband has a truck. I could go on and on. I am literally covered up in blessings, my own personal manna from heaven. How often do I truly appreciate it? More often than not I am not looking at what I have, but what I want.

Sounds like I have a lot more in common with the Israelites than I might want to admit.....

Father, forgive me for ignoring all the blessings that surround me. My eyes are blinded, and all I can see is my lack. But you have blessed me with the riches of this land, and so much more importantly, with the unending mercy and grace of your love. Move my heart to better appreciate my blessings and to use those blessings to your glory. Thank you for all that you have given. All that you have sacrificed for me. I love you Lord. My love is a feeble thing by comparison with yours, but it is the deepest and most powerful gift I possess. It is yours, take it and use it daily.

Inspiration

So this morning I woke up wanting to write SOMETHING. Problem is, I had no inspiration. There is nothing particular on my mind, no driving need or urge for a specific message. As I have mentioned before, this only works for me if I feel God's guidance in the process. I am not a writer. I can barely speak a coherent sentence in a conversation, much less put something meaningful on paper (or in this case, a computer screen).

I should tell you that I went directly to my bible looking for guidance. But that would be a lie. First, I procrastinated a bit by calling my sister to chat. Then I wandered over to Facebook and commented on a few posts and pictures. After Facebook, I decided to check out a few blogs that I follow. And there it was, my inspiration. Karen Walrond writes a blog called "Choolooloonks" and I love it. She takes the most amazing pictures of the everyday things and she always says something that makes me think.The blog I read today was titled "focusing and daring greatly". Yeah, I needed that. In it she shares about her excitement and fears concerning a new venture and how she tends to fall back on the coping mechanism of focusing on one aspect at a time instead of the big picture. Then she asks the question,

 how do you make yourself do something that you're scared to do?


Well, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do???

Most of my life I have played it safe, especially where my faith is concerned. For years I went to church every time the doors opened, sat in the back, and listened to the message. I was saved, but I wasn't growing. I wasn't stretching my faith or seeking new and deeper insight in my walk with God. Heck, I wasn't even walking with Him, he was carrying me the way a parent carries a small child whose legs are too short to keep pace. I read the bible, I could quote scripture. But that isn't enough, and eventually I started missing church and thinking it was okay, they wouldn't miss me (after all, all I did was warm a pew). Truth is, most of the people probably didn't miss me, cause I was just taking up space.

God missed me though. He had been missing me for a while. It took almost 6 years for him to break through my defenses (I am nothing if not stubborn) and reach my heart. He knows me well, so he didn't waste a lot of time with sweet talk. He grabbed my by my shoulders and shook me and said, Come on girl! I created you for MORE. You might think you are not important in this world, but I say you are. If you believe in me, you have to get up and follow me!

Okay, before you start thinking I need to up my meds, he didn't literally shake me, there was no burning bush or angel or anything so dramatic, But he did speak to my heart. If you have ever felt the presence of God, you know exactly what I mean. For me it is a knowing, a certainty in my spirit. A force too strong to be ignored or put off.  

Do this thing I have asked and trust me with it's outcome.  Okay Lord. I will. I will start a prayer group on Facebook and revive the one at work. I will go back to church and volunteer to sing with the praise group and yes, I will even start a blog. I will trust you to move hearts, open doors, make the way. I will learn to listen for your voice, not just in the bible, but in the world. I will look for all the inspiration you have placed in my path and be mindful of my step.

So, how do I make myself do something that I am scared to do? I trust God. I listen to him and I trust that no matter the outcome, he is in control. He is my inspiration...


 here is a link to Karen's blog, just in case you are interested: Focusing and daring greatly-wildly convinced you're uncommonly beautiful

Why?

Why am I doing this?

 I have never seen myself as a writer. I actually have a friend who is a published author, he writes fantasy novels and is quite good. I could never do that. So, why am I doing this?

I guess because I feel drawn to it. Sometimes when I see something or hear something I just feel the pull to write down how it feels to me. If something (or someone) inspires me, I want to make that moment last.

 Make it somehow permanent.

Sometimes, I sit at a computer keyboard and the words just pour out. Not always, in fact, not most of the time. But sometimes. And those times are incredible. I can't describe the wonder in reading something that you wrote and thinking, where did that come from?

Truth is, I know the answer...When people have commented on something I wrote I always say it was God. And it is. Because I know I have no talent in this direction. None at all. So when those moments come, I want to hang on to them with all I have in me, because I feel closer to Him at that moment than any other.

I guess that does answer my question....... :)


Thank you Lord, for directing my heart and mind, for giving me the thoughts and words that may touch another spirit and draw them into a closer relationship with you. Thank you for drawing me closer to you. This blog may never be read by another soul, and that's okay. Maybe this is all about you and me. I don't know where you are leading me, but I am going to do my best to follow and trust you. I know there will be times that I will stray from your path. Please, take my hand and lead me back to it with patience and purpose. I recognize that I need you, I am completely and totally dependent upon you. That dependence is a gift, help me to remember that. I love you Father, thank you for loving me.