Thursday, June 6, 2013

The day after

okay, so yesterday did not go well. I tried, I really did. I went to work and tried to just let go of the growing anxiety in my heart. But it just kept building and building until I just fell apart. I am very blessed with a management team that knows of my issues and is very supportive of me. I went to one of those wonderful people and he let me into the conference room, a nice quiet corner of the building that was not being used. A good place for me to try to pull it together. I tell you, these are awesome people. They don't ask questions, they may think I am crazy (I am) but they take it in stride. They just help me find a quiet out of the way place and leave me to sort myself out.

So, step one, find a quiet out of the way place to melt down. Check.

Step two, call my husband. He has a way of calming me. Probably because he has known me so long and so well. He is pretty adept at handling my brand of crazy. He was busy with something when he answered the phone, I could tell by his tone. But as soon as he realized what was happening he switched gears, dropping everything to focus on calming me. We talked for awhile, until the tears stopped. We decided I needed to come home. Okay. Now all I needed to do was find the courage to leave the room.......

Obviously I did manage that one. I gathered my stuff, scared the heck out of one of my newer coworkers, and headed for the door. On the drive home I needed distracting (or I would have ended up sitting on the side of the road) so I called a friend. When she answered I told her briefly what happened and that I just needed her to talk to me. So she did. She is awesome like that.

Step three, make it home in one piece. Check.

So, here I sit. It's Thursday and I should be at work. I'm not. It's safe here and I don't want to leave. I am embarrassed by my breakdown and I don't want to face my coworkers yet (ever). Don't get me wrong, I know I have to. And really, this is a mild breakdown when compared to some of my past malfunctions. I survived those. I can survive this. It's just that this is my first anxiety attack with my new work group. My old team, we had been together for years. They were used to me. My tears and panic didn't scare them (much). This new group is different. Now I have to go in and explain myself, make eye contact. Find a way past this.

This is so much easier than that. Here in the blogosphere I don't have to make eye contact. Here I can confess my craziness and ramble endlessly about trying to cope without having to endure the pity and fear in eyes I can't quite meet.



10 comments:

  1. Oh, wow. I can feel you. I have anxiety and depression issues myself. My daughter, she is 15, has some pretty severe anxiety issues and while I come alongside her a lot, I am consistently worried about her when I am not hovering close by. Its strange because she seems so together to most people.

    I wish more people would simply be comfortable with whatever brand of crazy we present to them. I wonder if we were more comfortable with it then they would be more comfortable with it? Just a thought.

    So much love to you today, lots of compassion and hugs.

    PS - Found you from NaBloPoMo

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    1. Hi Julie, Thanks for stopping by. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I am also sorry you and your daughter know what I am dealing with. I think you are right, if we were more comfortable with our craziness then maybe those around us would be more accepting. It is something I am working on.

      God Bless you and your family. :)

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  2. Tamara, I am tired and brain dead and I don't have words to match my affection and good wishes for you. Just know everyone's a little crazy. Some of us wear it more on our sleeve than the rest, that's all. You're gonna do OK. You already took great care of yourself and I'm proud of you.

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    1. Thank you Tara. It means a lot to me. I am doing better. One day at a time. :)

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  3. Oh no that stinks! I hated when I got upset at work. I don't miss that about working in an office.

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    1. Ann, Yeah it was no fun. But I survived. After all, I had no choice, right?? :)

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  4. I'm so glad you know what you need to do when your brand of "craziness" hits. I honor you for your honesty and vulnerability. You are a precious person. Many blessings.

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    1. Thank you Julie! You are always so supportive and I appreciate you so much! God Bless

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  5. Hang out in the blogosphere as long as you need to. When you're ready, you'll straighten your shoulders and lift your chin, and go on. It's ok to ask for, and to take, what you need.

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    1. Thanks Jerimi! You are a great friend, I am so glad I found you!

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Thank you for stopping by to read my rambles. I would love it if you leave me a comment! Comments make my heart smile!