My unglamorous life

Is your job glamorous? Mine is not. Do you sometimes look around you and wonder if you are making any kind of mark on your world? I do. I know I have written about this before, but it was brought to my mind again yesterday. I am not ever likely to be a great leader, I am not likely to ever have the kind of reach with my little blog that will move a thousand hearts to God. But that doesn't mean my life is wasted. God uses me right where I am.

Over the last few days I have been given the opportunity to pray for 3 different people whom I would probably never known if it had not been for my very ordinary, unglamorous job. One is a friend I met when I first went to work there 18 years ago. She moved on to another job long ago but we have maintained a friendship. Last week her husband went into the hospital and today he is having open heart surgery.

The second friend is someone that I work closely with since they restructured my work group a few months back. Her father was life flighted to Houston over the weekend with a ruptured brain aneurysm. He is in ICU while the doctors work out what happened.

The third is a friend I don't see much of since the a for mentioned restructuring. I just don't get to her part of the building much anymore, nor does she get to mine. But she sent me a text yesterday telling me that she will be off work for a while due to health reasons and asking me to add her to my prayer list.  

Being asked to pray is an honor and a gift. When someone reaches out to you like that, they are placing in you a rare trust. I try to do my very best to honor that trust. It makes me so grateful that for my unglamorous little job and my unglamorous little life. God uses me right where I am, He touches hearts through me right where I am. Really, what more could I ask for?

The comfort of friends

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Tell us about a time when a friend comforted you in the past.  What did he/she do that made a difference?

When I read this question my first thought is "does it have to be just one friend? Why do I have to pick?". The I remembered this is my blog and I can interpret the questions any way I want to. So here we go:

My mom, who is my dearest friend (aside from the hubby) is not comfortable with strong emotional conversations or displays so her attempts at comfort are more practical. In fact I have often joked that if she resorts to telling me that she loves me, things must really be bad! She does love me, of that I have no doubt, she just doesn't say it. More often than not, when I am being emotional she will suggest a cool wash clothe for my face, some Ibuprofen for my impending headache, and a nap. After all, life always looks better after a nap!

My sisters both live far from me, so their comfort usually comes in the form of Facebook posts and phone calls. If I even hint that someone has hurt me they are lining up to kick butt! It is a nice feeling, knowing your sisters have your back! I wish we lived closer (especially this week) but regardless of the miles I know that they will always be there for me.

I have this one friend, Brenda, whose comfort comes in the form of listening and asking questions. Who, what, when, where, and why? Sounds kind of annoying, but really it's not. Her questions help me to focus on the real issue, not my reaction to it. She helps me to dig down deeper to find the root of the problem. And she is always honest in her opinions, if this is something I did wrong she will let me know, if it's out of my control she will tell me. I find this helpful since I tend to take all the world's problems on myself. I need someone to tell me when I am not to blame!

Of course, there is my husband. I feel like I have written about him a lot lately. I hope I am not boring you. I also hope that I am not giving you the impression that our marriage is perfect. Because it is by no means perfect. We struggle, we fight, we frustrate each other. Sometimes that is just what marriage is, a struggle. But even at our worst, if I need him he is there. His comfort comes in the form of soothing words and just listening to me as I try to find my way back to center (he spends a lot of time talking me back from the edge of panic). He has that gift to be able to comfort me by just being there.

Wow, looking back over this list I can see how truly blessed I am. God has placed so many wonderful people in my life, these folks are just the tip of the iceberg. My life is full of great people!!

Why?

Have you ever asked God "why"?

Why Lord, am I struggling? Why am I going through hard times? Worse yet, why are the people I love suffering? Where are you Lord? Why do these horrible things happen to such good people?

I'll admit it, I have. After years of watching my husband try to cope with unrelenting pain from an accident that occurred back when he was a volunteer firefighter, I have questioned God.
 
And it isn't just the pain (as if that weren't enough) but the struggles with managing the medications that make something resembling normal life possible. Medicines that are addictive and yet so vital to his day to day life. Today he has great control of his doses and a schedule that he watches closely. He also has my understanding and support. But he didn't always (a hard admission for me to make). For years I didn't understand, couldn't understand what he was dealing with. How could I really, having never experienced, this pain he lives with? In my ignorance I judged him, I questioned the need for all the medication, questioned his honesty, questioned everything. To be fair, we went through some really tough times, times when he did not have such good control. Times when the medicine controlled him instead of him controlling it. We fought and struggled against each other for the longest time before we realized what the real enemy was. Gradually we found each other again and learned to trust each other again. And we learned to stand as a united front against the pain, the medications, and the world. Because the majority of the world is just like I was, they can't understand. Unless you have lived it, or lived long enough with someone who lives with it; I don't know that true understanding is possible.

Yes, I have questioned God. I have lain in bed in the dark of night and cried because my husband wasn't there, couldn't be there in the bed with me because of this unrelenting pain. I wish I could tell you that I now have the answers. I don't. I may never understand why someone I love suffers so. But I have learned something. I have learned that if we allow it, God can take even our darkest moments and use them to bless others. I know this because I experienced it first hand just recently.

I have a (cyber) friend who is in a struggle very similar to my husband's struggle. There was an accident, multiple surgeries and procedures, and years of pain and pain medications. A few weeks ago she went through a really tough time. She was scheduled to see her doctor to get her medication filled but had to reschedule due to a family crisis. Then she found herself out of medicine and facing the weekend alone. Well, not quite alone. See, God had a plan. A way to take some of my hardest life lessons (and my husband's) and use them to help her through.

His plan actually began with her crisis. We private messaged on Facebook a few times about that and then exchanged phone numbers and began texting. Nothing profound or anything, just your run of the mill "how are you's" and "you can do this" kind of thing. So, when her long weekend arrived, we had already established a pattern of communication. It was easy, at least for me, to reach out and offer encouragement and support. Maybe it wasn't so easy for her, I don't know. Admitting the struggle is hard, though leaning on a relative stranger during those times can make it easier (voice of therapy and experience here). Anyway, all weekend I was just a text away. We would ramble on for a while, then she would fade out (resting or otherwise occupied). Then when she needed a boost she would be back. It wasn't anything overwhelmingly miraculous, just one person being there for another. But in a way, if you think about it, it was kind of miraculous. Because God was able to use me in some small way to help someone else. He was able to use our hardships to bless another person.

I still pray everyday for a miracle, I still have days when I cry out "why?". I probably always will, it's just part of being human. But in the meantime, I find comfort in knowing that our struggles are not in vain, that God can use us, use our hardships to help someone else.....

Or, more accurately, when it seems He is silent. Sometimes I think I can't hear Him because I am too distracted by life....

Don't forget to check out my Thursday Thankfulness post today. And please keep the communities of Boston, Massachusetts and West, Texas in your prayers. 

FAY days

Today I am not feeling very strong in my faith, or like a person of any substance. I had an anxiety attack yesterday when I left my doctors office after a routine appointment. I am not dying or anything so don't worry. I think I just reached my limit on personal strength. And so I broke. I was supposed to go back to work, but I drove straight home, took some medicine I keep around for these rare attacks and went to bed.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing it helps. It helps to put it out there for anyone (or no one) to see. I am fragile. My life is built upon strength, but it isn't mine. Sometimes I forget that and I carry the load on my own shoulders. And it gets heavy. Fast. And sooner or later, I break under the strain.

I went through a period in my life when these attacks were almost a weekly (and sometimes daily) occurrence. At work we even have a short hand name for them "FAY". It comes from something I said to the group in the middle of one such melt down one day years ago. The "f" I will let you figure out, but rest is "all" & "y'all". Not my finest moment. But I survived and even found humor in the memory.....

Another reason I am sharing this is because I want anyone who reads this to realize that being saved and forgiven by God, being his child, lead by his spirit and word does not mean you don't have bad days. Just because I am broken now, doesn't mean I am not saved. I tripped and fell, I dropped the load I was carrying. A load I did not have to carry alone. And I will get back up, through God's love and grace. I don't really feel that way at this particular moment, but I KNOW it. Because God's word says it. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

I am having a bad day today. But I believe that God is my strength and He will bring me through this. And he can do that for you as well.  

And I am here if you need a friend....

Captured

How great You are, how small I am

How awesome is Your mighty hand

And I am captured by the wonder of it all.

That is the chorus to the song "How Great You Are" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean.
I can't seem to get it out of my head, or maybe my heart. Am I truly captured? So many things compete for my attention everyday. Life is so full of ups and downs, joys and sorrows, frustrations and stress. And it seems that the frustration and stress are the things that really capture my focus and attention. Why do I let that happen? Because despite what I tell myself, it is a choice I make everyday. I choose to be caught up in either God's joy and purpose or I choose to be caught up in the world and it's frustration, stress, and negativity.

The world requires so much from us, it seems to drive us to perfection, and when we don't reach it, we are left feeling empty and hurt. God requires only one thing from us, love. Because if we love him, truly love him; the rest will follow. We will be captured by all the wonder around us. I want to walk in that wonder. I want to be captured today by God's grace and love, not by the stresses of my daily life.

Lord, 

Walk with me today. I have great intentions, but I am weak. I know that it will only take a second to distract me from the path you have put before me. When this happens, recapture my attention and draw my focus back to you. I love you Father, and I am grateful beyond words for your forgiveness and acceptance of me, just as I am. I am so small and you are so great, and yet you do know my name. You know so much more of me than I even know myself, and you still love me. Thank you for that miracle of love.

 Amen

one of THOSE days

Yesterday was definitely one of those days. You know, the kind where you wake up with a light heart and you feel like you could take on the world because you KNOW that God has your back. I felt so close to him.

 I have the luxury of being able to listen to audiobooks or music while I work (on headphones) and I was in such a great mood, I chose praise and worship music. And it felt like every song I listened to had something in it just for me. Have you ever felt that? It is such an incredible feeling. I kept rewinding the songs to listen again, thinking how awesome each one was and how reflected just how I was feeling. I was so upbeat as I took a few minutes to send out prayer requests to our prayer group, I even found the perfect scripture to capture the moment:

  "You have rescued me! I will celebrate and shout, singing praises to you with all my heart." Psalm 71:23 

Perfect, right?!?! And I just kept thinking what a great day this was shaping up to be. All of this happened within the first 3 hours of my workday. After that, it all went downhill. Too much work, not enough people to shoulder the load, and too many things going on led to a very stressful and frustrating conclusion. I was so down by the time 3:30 came (well 3:45 really 'cause I was running late) I couldn't wait to escape.In the back of my mind I kept thinking, what the hell happened???? (sorry if the language offends, yes this christian cusses)

Finally it dawned on me, life happened. I have heard it said so often, God doesn't promise sunshine and rainbows, he promises to walk through the rain with you. Somehow, I always associate that thought with the really bad times. You know, illness, financial problems, big bad things that we all like to pretend only happen other people. I picture thunderstorms with lightening flashing all around, hurricanes or tornadoes with strong winds that push and pull at my soul. But sometimes all it takes is a brief downpour to throw us off track. And God is always there. He didn't leave me, I left him. I let the confusion and stress of the moment block my view of his face. But he always had his eyes on me. He was waiting, just waiting for me to reconnect with him; to see that he had his arms outstretched, ready to comfort and sooth my soul. Ready to put me back on the path and restore my gladness.

  Do you see? Do you see him waiting? I do. 

One of the songs I love! Always speaks to my heart :)

 

Blessed

So I am at work this morning and I got some news that I can't share but it really affected my out look on my world. And you know what I realize? I am so blessed. I have had the same job for 16 years. It isn't fancy or life changing. It doesn't pay the big bucks, in fact I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. But as I look around I can't help but feel so overwhelmed by the friendships and respect I have found here. I have always known that God led me here, I just never really understood why. Lately I have come to think that maybe he led me here simply to be. To be in a place where I can connect with other people and share my faith. A place where I can look around and see this person or that person and think how incredible they are and how much I wish God's blessings on them. Maybe I am here to learn to see these people and my own life through God's eyes. We all tend to think that if we are not out changing the world that we are somehow a failure, if we don't have the fancy degree or make loads of cash that we are beneath notice. We are NEVER beneath the notice of the one who created us. And we can and do change the world, just by being in it. By living where God has placed us and loving the people he has placed there beside us. And recognizing every now and then the wonder of it all. Wow, I really am so blessed!