Family Pictures!!

So, NaBloPoMo for June is pretty much a bust for me. I haven't even glanced at the prompts since the first week. I am working on getting myself back on track and out of the grip of anxiety, I haven't even thought about writing prompts until this morning. Maybe this weekend I will take a look at them and see if I can find one or two I want to write about....

For today though, how would you like to see some old family photos? Showing off pictures is fun AND it is a great way for me to not have to write too much. I know it's the lazy way but I am okay with that!

My Grandfather Fred Heise as a small boy. I love this love picture

My Grandmother, Lurlene, as a baby.

My mom, playing on the beach in Galveston

ME, with my Grandmother, Lurlene, and my Granddaddy, Bob.

My dad....

Me with my baby sister, she was (is) such a cutie!

One of my favorite pictures of my Mama Mac and Papa! :)

Okay, that's it for now. I hope you enjoyed the pictures and I hope you have a beautiful day! Thank you for stopping by! :)

A new beginning

I have gotten off track this month with NaBloPoMo. Last week was a complete bust. I just couldn't find any words to share. My brain was a whirling dervish of random thoughts but I could not grasp a single one. That is what depression and anxiety do to me. Things are a little better today. At least I have the desire to try to write!

I know I am fortunate that these episodes don't last long. I know that so many people go weeks, months, or even years struggling to pull themselves out of the dark pit. I am blessed with an abundance of people who love me and support me when I get a little crazy. I am blessed above all with a heavenly Father who loves me and continues to reach out to me even when I can't see Him. I know he is there, always. Because that is His promise to us all. He will never leave us, He will never forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Today is the beginning of a new week. A fresh start. I am going to try to make it a good one!

The day after

okay, so yesterday did not go well. I tried, I really did. I went to work and tried to just let go of the growing anxiety in my heart. But it just kept building and building until I just fell apart. I am very blessed with a management team that knows of my issues and is very supportive of me. I went to one of those wonderful people and he let me into the conference room, a nice quiet corner of the building that was not being used. A good place for me to try to pull it together. I tell you, these are awesome people. They don't ask questions, they may think I am crazy (I am) but they take it in stride. They just help me find a quiet out of the way place and leave me to sort myself out.

So, step one, find a quiet out of the way place to melt down. Check.

Step two, call my husband. He has a way of calming me. Probably because he has known me so long and so well. He is pretty adept at handling my brand of crazy. He was busy with something when he answered the phone, I could tell by his tone. But as soon as he realized what was happening he switched gears, dropping everything to focus on calming me. We talked for awhile, until the tears stopped. We decided I needed to come home. Okay. Now all I needed to do was find the courage to leave the room.......

Obviously I did manage that one. I gathered my stuff, scared the heck out of one of my newer coworkers, and headed for the door. On the drive home I needed distracting (or I would have ended up sitting on the side of the road) so I called a friend. When she answered I told her briefly what happened and that I just needed her to talk to me. So she did. She is awesome like that.

Step three, make it home in one piece. Check.

So, here I sit. It's Thursday and I should be at work. I'm not. It's safe here and I don't want to leave. I am embarrassed by my breakdown and I don't want to face my coworkers yet (ever). Don't get me wrong, I know I have to. And really, this is a mild breakdown when compared to some of my past malfunctions. I survived those. I can survive this. It's just that this is my first anxiety attack with my new work group. My old team, we had been together for years. They were used to me. My tears and panic didn't scare them (much). This new group is different. Now I have to go in and explain myself, make eye contact. Find a way past this.

This is so much easier than that. Here in the blogosphere I don't have to make eye contact. Here I can confess my craziness and ramble endlessly about trying to cope without having to endure the pity and fear in eyes I can't quite meet.

Let me out!!

Saw this on Facebook this morning and thought "yeah, that's me". I do feel like I am going out of my mind, or at least trying to. I can see myself beating at the walls of my own brain, looking for the exit. Have you ever felt that way? Like the last place in the world you want to be is trapped in your own thoughts?

It's not even that my thoughts are particularly dark or depressing. It's more like they are a chaotic whirlwind of disconnected randomness. Whirling around but going nowhere. Day like this are exactly why I am glad to be able to listen to audiobooks at work. Music just doesn't cut it on days like this. It seems to wind me up further instead of soothing me. But I can lose myself in the stories, I can shut down and immerse myself in a mind that is not my own. It makes facing other people and earning a living possible.

It's funny how writing all of this helps. My first instinct wasn't to write, if I had not already signed up for NaBloPoMo this month I probably wouldn't be writing at all. But I did, and I can't stand the idea of giving up on the challenge before it's even begun (it's only the 5th, after all). I suppose I could have faked some sort of cheerful post (or 12). But honestly, I am not that creative. So, you are stuck reading my crazy ramblings. Sorry. But I am finding that it really does help. Like the audiobooks. It helps make leaving the safety of this house possible.

I will get through this. I know from past experience that it doesn't last forever. I just gotta keep telling myself that.

A dry well

The last thing I remember thinking last night as sleep overtook me was "Lord, inspire me." See, my well is dry. I just can't find anything to write about. I just can't drum up the energy or enthusiasm for any subject.

This morning it dawned on me, I am slipping back into depression. It happens from time to time. Life is stressful and if my diabetes control slips then one of the first symptoms is depression. It is in fact the symptom that lead to my being diagnosed to begin with. I don't think that is normal, but then I am not really normal in any respect (is anyone really??). The last couple of days have been hard and all day yesterday I was nauseated and anxious. I came home and was so out of it my hubby put me to bed and did all my chores (including changing the litter, thanks honey).

This morning I got up and my first thought was, "I don't think I can do this. I have nothing to say Lord". The next thing I did was to check my email (ain't technology grand? I can check my email from my phone before I even make it out of the bedroom.) This is what I found there:

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.

 Psalms 19:14

It came in the form of a daily devotional email from Insight for Living, which I will admit to deleting without reading more often than not. I can't even tell you why I do that. Laziness I suppose.  I almost deleted it today, but then I thought, why not? Maybe there is something there for me. 

God works in amazing ways. I really need this today. It is the cry of my heart, a cry I couldn't even articulate. I am not sure how I am going to get through this work day, but I know that I will be taking this scripture with me. My depression isn't magically lifted, I am not dancing for joy. But I am not alone. My God knows what I need. He knows my heart and finds it acceptable, even in my brokenness. He is my rock and my Redeemer. He has provided all that I need.

__________________________________________

Lord, help me through this day. Give me courage and strength. Calm my fears and my worries. Let my words be acceptable to you, let them glorify you and bless those around me. Let my inner words, my mediation, be pleasing to you as well. Help me to focus on the positive and recognize the blessings all around me. Please Lord, help me get through this day. Amen

Another good one that I really need to remember.

Friday Funnies-Mental Health Edition

This has been a long and difficult week. I am really fighting some serious depression demons (took me 2 hours to force myself out of bed this morning). In honor of my particular brand of crazy I am dedicating this weeks funnies to mental health! Enjoy!

Many many cookies

Seriously

Sunday thoughts and pictures

If you have been reading my words for the last week or 2 you know that I have been struggling with some serious negative emotions. This has zapped my energy in a bad way. It has made it next to impossible for me to function without tears and anti anxiety meds and left me with nothing much to say.

Because I signed up for NaBloPoMo, so I have been trying to force my way through and post something everyday. It has been really hard and I have been tempted everyday to throw in the towel and give up. I'm glad I haven't. Not because I have had some kind of miraculous breakthrough, but because without this blog I would be sitting here wallowing in self pity and believing that I am alone in my battles. I am not. I am not alone.

I just spent the past hour answering all the comments I have received this week and I know this one thing beyond all doubt. I am not alone.  Every single person that commented was without fail supportive and uplifting. They told me how my words, my pitiful attempt to just put something up on this blog everyday, touched their hearts. They offered prayers for me and my hubby. They gave me much needed support and confirmation that I am not the only one who deals with these negative thoughts and emotions. I want to say Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming here and reading my words and then taking that extra minute to let me know you care.


Earlier this week I also mentioned that my hubby was having a procedure to try to help with his chronic pain. The doctor's told us that if it worked we should know within the first few days. Well, it didn't. It was a terrible week for him, lots of additional pain and discomfort to endure with no pay off. I know the doctor will try to push us to try this again, but we won't be (unless hubby changes his mind, this has been known to happen). It's time to move to the next step, whatever that is. We would appreciate your prayers about this. It is hard to know what direction to take.


OH! Guess what?? I have been nominated for this:

 

 I will tell you more about it later this week (see, that way you have to come back to visit me! Sneaky!!) but I do want to say thank you to Rhye over at Seven Seas of Rhye. I love her blog and it is an honor to be nominated by her! Now, come back tomorrow for more info, ok?? :)

Oh! Guess what else???? I got an email from Greg, over at The Falling Skies Blog  informing me that I have moved from "guest writer" to "Contributing Author" (in caps) on the blog! I am so excited about this! (You can tell by my over use of the exclamation point...well, maybe you can't. I have a problem with exclamation over use!!!!!) What does this mean? It means that when I submit something to the blog it will get special consideration. It means that I have an open invite to write and rant about one of my favorite shows! How cool is that!?!

And now, how about a picture or two from my world? Okay, you talked me into it! Here you go! 

random old gas sign out at my mom's place. My dad had a habit of collecting the strangest stuff!

Just me playing with my camera. I really like how it came out!

What ya doing in there Pakita?? Nothin' momma, what you doin'??

 Well, I think that's it for Sunday. All and all not a bad day, if I do say so myself. Now, I just have to work up the energy to do some laundry! See you tomorrow!

LOL!

peculiar people

 "But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; that you may proclaim the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."

 1 Peter 2:9

That is one of my favorite scriptures. Probably because I like being "peculiar". I'm a little off and proud of it! At heart I am a goofball, I like to do silly little things to make other people smile. I lose that part of myself when the depression and uncertainty start to weigh me down. It's easy to tell when I am losing my battle with my inner demons, I stop being silly. I stop making eye contact. I stop being my usual peculiar self. 

Of course, I realize that God wasn't calling his children weird, silly, or crazy when He called us "peculiar". I did a quick Google search of the phrase "a peculiar people" and I found a link to an post written by Dr. Dan Hayden. Honestly, I have never heard of this man before, but I like his writing style. I will definitely be reading more of his work in the future. 

Anyway, this post is titled (oddly enough) "A Peculiar People". And it gives a clear definition of the use of the word peculiar in this scripture. Simply put, it translates as "people for God’s own possession". God's possession.

I really like that. I want that word to take root in my heart.

 

 "a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people"

 

I am His. In good times and bad. In depression and in joy. In seriousness and in silliness. I am chosen. I am a child of God. And so are you. That's a beautiful thing.

Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Maybe

Today I am thinking WHY did I sign up for NaBloPoMo???? I have no desire to write. None. There's stuff going on in my life that I can't share here and it is overwhelming my thought processes. Writing prompts have no interest for me, and I can't come up with anything inspired to share. I wouldn't even be sharing this much, but the fact that I signed up makes me feel obligated.

Yes, I know the NaBloPoMo police won't show up on my cyber doorstep to haul me away. It's okay to miss a day. I know this. But I also know I was really proud of getting all the way through November and I want to keep my "record" unbroken.

Maybe it's good therapy to write even when I don't want to. Maybe writing even though what I really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep (that's worry and depression talking) is a good thing. Maybe, just maybe there is someone out there in cyberspace who needs to know they aren't alone (I know I need to know that sometimes). Maybe there is even someone out there struggling with these same feelings who believes that their struggle is a reflection on their faith and relationship with God. I used to think that. I used to believe that depression was a sign of weakness in my faith. If I could only believe deeper, walk straighter, serve more fully, I wouldn't be depressed.

Can I just say, that's crap. Really, it is complete crap. We are human, not God. We have human emotions. And some of those emotions hurt. They drag us down into dark places. That doesn't mean we don't believe. It doesn't make us unworthy of God's love. It just makes us human.

Maybe someone out there needs to be reminded of that. Maybe that someone is me, since just typing those words has lifted my spirits some. It will be okay. Not today maybe, but it will be okay.

I needed this. Do you?

Sunday thoughts and pictures

So, it's Sunday. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to say. It's been a pretty lousy weekend and I am not feeling very inspired. I even skipped out on church today, which does nothing to improve my feelings of self worth. Have you figured out that I am fighting off a round of depression?

It's not all bad though. The hubby and I had to make a run to the store and out to my mom's place and I took along my camera. Got a few shots that I am kind of proud of. Wanna see??

Okay, that's it. So, I guess this post is more pictures and less thoughts. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Until then my friends!

FAY days

Today I am not feeling very strong in my faith, or like a person of any substance. I had an anxiety attack yesterday when I left my doctors office after a routine appointment. I am not dying or anything so don't worry. I think I just reached my limit on personal strength. And so I broke. I was supposed to go back to work, but I drove straight home, took some medicine I keep around for these rare attacks and went to bed.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing it helps. It helps to put it out there for anyone (or no one) to see. I am fragile. My life is built upon strength, but it isn't mine. Sometimes I forget that and I carry the load on my own shoulders. And it gets heavy. Fast. And sooner or later, I break under the strain.

I went through a period in my life when these attacks were almost a weekly (and sometimes daily) occurrence. At work we even have a short hand name for them "FAY". It comes from something I said to the group in the middle of one such melt down one day years ago. The "f" I will let you figure out, but rest is "all" & "y'all". Not my finest moment. But I survived and even found humor in the memory.....

Another reason I am sharing this is because I want anyone who reads this to realize that being saved and forgiven by God, being his child, lead by his spirit and word does not mean you don't have bad days. Just because I am broken now, doesn't mean I am not saved. I tripped and fell, I dropped the load I was carrying. A load I did not have to carry alone. And I will get back up, through God's love and grace. I don't really feel that way at this particular moment, but I KNOW it. Because God's word says it. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

I am having a bad day today. But I believe that God is my strength and He will bring me through this. And he can do that for you as well.  

And I am here if you need a friend....