I really don't want to, but I have to

Several years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. At the time I didn't give it a lot of thought, the label was there as an identifier, an explanation provided to the insurance company so they would cover my therapy sessions. Even now, more than 10 years later I don't really know exactly what the definition of the disorder is or if it is an accurate diagnosis for me. I am not sure it really matters. What matters is that "generalized anxiety" is a perfect description of what I have been feeling for the last few weeks. Edgy and jumpy and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth with nothing to point to as the cause. There is no more stress in my life than normal, there has been no major traumatic event, no trigger. Just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to pull into myself and not face the world, of wanting to hide. I have that feeling in my chest of a million wings beating, looking for the way out and my hands feel shaky even when they are rock steady.

Unfortunately Fortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want to hide away in my bed with the covers pulled over my head (not an exaggeration). My employers expect me to show up and actually do work to earn my paycheck. And that paycheck is vital, given my fondness for lights, air conditioning, and satellite TV (Falling Skies is back on!!!). So I get up and go to work, I face people and try to look them in the eye. And I pray. I pray for peace, I pray that I can make it the next 5 minutes, the next 8 hours. I pray for guidance and direction, for strength in my weakness. I know this will pass. I just have to hang on to His hand.

Truth!

A new beginning

I have gotten off track this month with NaBloPoMo. Last week was a complete bust. I just couldn't find any words to share. My brain was a whirling dervish of random thoughts but I could not grasp a single one. That is what depression and anxiety do to me. Things are a little better today. At least I have the desire to try to write!

I know I am fortunate that these episodes don't last long. I know that so many people go weeks, months, or even years struggling to pull themselves out of the dark pit. I am blessed with an abundance of people who love me and support me when I get a little crazy. I am blessed above all with a heavenly Father who loves me and continues to reach out to me even when I can't see Him. I know he is there, always. Because that is His promise to us all. He will never leave us, He will never forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Today is the beginning of a new week. A fresh start. I am going to try to make it a good one!

The day after

okay, so yesterday did not go well. I tried, I really did. I went to work and tried to just let go of the growing anxiety in my heart. But it just kept building and building until I just fell apart. I am very blessed with a management team that knows of my issues and is very supportive of me. I went to one of those wonderful people and he let me into the conference room, a nice quiet corner of the building that was not being used. A good place for me to try to pull it together. I tell you, these are awesome people. They don't ask questions, they may think I am crazy (I am) but they take it in stride. They just help me find a quiet out of the way place and leave me to sort myself out.

So, step one, find a quiet out of the way place to melt down. Check.

Step two, call my husband. He has a way of calming me. Probably because he has known me so long and so well. He is pretty adept at handling my brand of crazy. He was busy with something when he answered the phone, I could tell by his tone. But as soon as he realized what was happening he switched gears, dropping everything to focus on calming me. We talked for awhile, until the tears stopped. We decided I needed to come home. Okay. Now all I needed to do was find the courage to leave the room.......

Obviously I did manage that one. I gathered my stuff, scared the heck out of one of my newer coworkers, and headed for the door. On the drive home I needed distracting (or I would have ended up sitting on the side of the road) so I called a friend. When she answered I told her briefly what happened and that I just needed her to talk to me. So she did. She is awesome like that.

Step three, make it home in one piece. Check.

So, here I sit. It's Thursday and I should be at work. I'm not. It's safe here and I don't want to leave. I am embarrassed by my breakdown and I don't want to face my coworkers yet (ever). Don't get me wrong, I know I have to. And really, this is a mild breakdown when compared to some of my past malfunctions. I survived those. I can survive this. It's just that this is my first anxiety attack with my new work group. My old team, we had been together for years. They were used to me. My tears and panic didn't scare them (much). This new group is different. Now I have to go in and explain myself, make eye contact. Find a way past this.

This is so much easier than that. Here in the blogosphere I don't have to make eye contact. Here I can confess my craziness and ramble endlessly about trying to cope without having to endure the pity and fear in eyes I can't quite meet.

Don't let your dreams be dreams part 2

Well, this morning I did it. I actually wrote down some dreams and put them in the dream jar. I decided to use the cute little cut out hearts I got for Valentines Day from my friend Jerimi. What better way to put them to use? :)

My first dream is for my sweet hubby to be pain free. He has been dealing with chronic pain from a neck injury for almost his entire adult life. He was a volunteer firefighter in our little town and a house caved in on him. They got him out and at first everything seemed okay. Bumps and bruises and really, really sore for a while, but nothing too extreme. But over time it became obvious there was something wrong. He had suffered nerve damage and a herniated disc in his neck. We took the doctor's advice and he had surgery. Biggest mistake of our lives. Of course we were young and frightened and didn't know enough about dealing with doctors and such. We learned. 16 years and 3 surgeries later we are more cautious. Right now he is having to live on pain meds, balancing everything in his life on the next dose of medication. And we are considering another surgery. But the truth is, that probably won't help the pain. The nerves are damaged and they may never recover. And he has developed spinal stenosis and degenerative disc problems (the unmentioned side effects of back/neck surgery). All I want is for him to not be limited and held back by this pain. All I want is for him to get a good nights sleep, to feel refreshed, to feel energized. All I want is a miracle.

Dream #2 is probably something on everyone's bucket list. I want to travel. My grandparents visited all 50 states in their lifetimes, I would love to do that. This seems an impossible dream considering our finances, our house full of furry babies, and all the trials of traveling in constant pain (how could I ask him to do that??) But dreams are just that sometimes, impossible. And even impossible dreams are worth dreaming.

Dream #3 is much closer to home, and at the moment, just as impossible. I want to move back home. Not into my mother's house (Good Lord NO!) but onto her property. See, I am her only child and my step dad made darn sure I knew my responsibilities. "One day it will be just you and your mom, you have to take care of her". Well, he was almost right. He is gone (passed away 10 years ago this week) and it is just us.....and my dear hubby who does so much for my mom. He makes it possible for me not to worry so much about her. Still, it would be better if we could be closer. She has 40 acres of property and being right there would make it so much easier for the hubby to help keep the place in good repair (my step dad would roll over in his grave to see the state of things out there these days). And I wouldn't have to worry. But mom is very independent and not ready for this. So, we are stuck. At least for now.

Well, that wasn't too bad. I wrote 3 dreams and put them in a jar, and didn't have to break out the anxiety meds (yet). Dreams are prayers, you know. At least that's how I see them. A dream is a prayer to God, it is your deep desires made manifest to the Father. I think the reason I fear them is simply because I am afraid of His answer. Afraid to ask and look for the answer. Afraid the answer will be "no". 

Okay! That's enough self therapy and examination for one morning! Go check out my Thursday Thankfulness for the latest post and have a great day!  :-)

don't let your dreams be dreams

Okay, here it is, my long dreaded awaited dream post. I'm still not sure what I want to say or how to say it. But the GBE2 writing prompt this week is "Dream" so I am taking that as a sign that it's time to give it a try.

the making of a dream jar.

It all started with a dream jar. I read this post by Ashley over at little {mrs.} sunshine. Ashley's post inspired me to make dream jars for my coworkers for Christmas (which were a hit!) but it also wouldn't leave me alone. After that it seemed everywhere I turned I encountered the subject of dreaming. And I really began to feel some real fear about it.

Why? Why does the very word "dream" make me want to reach for my anxiety meds? I have spent a lot of time trying to sort that out. I don't have it all worked out, but here is what I know so far:

I can't remember ever dreaming about what I wanted to do when I grew up. Maybe I did (most kids do, right?) but I don't remember it. I never wanted to be an astronaut or a ballerina. I read a lot and loved music and as a mostly only child I spent a lot of time lost in my own imagination, creating playmates and adventures for myself; but I don't think that is the same thing. I can't remember ever giving thought to my future. I never considered college because I had no deep burning desire to study anything. I got out of high school and went to work. One thing led to another and I stumbled (with God's guidance) into my profession. It was never my plan, I had no plan. 

I fell in love at an early age, but I never planned to marry. I could claim that as the child of divorced parents I was skeptical of the whole notion. But that's not really true. I think it is more accurate to say that I never let myself see a future, any future at all, much less one that included marriage. Then one day I decided to marry him (my 1st love) and that was that. I never envisioned it, but once I set my sights on it, there was no other path for me. I do not regret this at all, I just find it interesting to really look at how my mind worked in this circumstance. One minute, marriage wasn't even part of my vocabulary. The next, we were planning the wedding. My sweet hubby is still confused by this I think. He was certain, right up until I walked down the aisle, that I would back out. (He has spent a lifetime trying to figure out how my mind works, poor guy)

I could go on and on. My whole life seems to be a series of happy (and yes, some not so happy) accidents that led me to this place (even this blog wasn't planned). I love the words of God in Jeremiah 29:11

I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Plans to give you hope and a future.

I have always found comfort and security in those words. In the knowledge that God has a plan for me, even if I don't. But lately I have begun to wonder if my fear of dreaming has held me back from that planned future. Dreams are all about hope and a future. Am I allowing my fear to hold me back? Yes, I think I am.

Don't let your dreams be dreams.....for me I think the first step has to be to let myself dream. To speak and write about what I want to happen in my life. This fear is crippling me. How in the world did I let this little thing become so powerful in my life?

Those dream jars I made as Christmas gifts, I made one for myself too. I never put anything in it. I think it's time I did. Just typing those words knots up my stomach and makes my breathing shallow. But I can do this. Right??

I am going to try. And for accountability, I will be bringing you, my faithful reader, along for the ride. So, if I go too long before I post something about dreams again, give me a nudge. Fear has no place in my heart. I don't want it there. I want to strive for the future that God has for me. I want to let myself dream and imagine what it might hold without fear. I really think that is what He wants for me too.

I'm going to try

Glass

I love the song "Glass" by Thompson Square

I have listened to it over and over this week. It has been another hard week for me, I had a bad panic attack on Wednesday (see my post in thursday thankfulness for more on that). I love the entire song, but my favorite line is

"We are fragile, we are human

We are shaped by the light we let through us"

By the light we LET through us. I have felt very fragile this week. Very human. And it would be very easy to let that overwhelm me, to pull the shutters over my heart and let my world become very dark. But we are called to rise above ourselves. To let His light shine through us. Even when all I want is to hide away and cry. I am not perfect. I am not not even close. But I am forgiven. God's light lives in me. I hope and pray that you can see it.

Restore my joy

It was a long weekend. Well, really it was a long week. Jury duty on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday; 2 doctor's appts on Thursday followed up with an anxiety attack that left me wiped out the rest of that day and the next. Then Friday evening my husband cut his thumb on his table saw and off we went to the ER. 11 stitches for that. And we learned something, thumbs have the potential for great pain!

This morning when I got up for work I really struggled with feelings of anxiety and fear about leaving the house. Silly really, but I have had this same struggle often through the years. After an anxiety attack I have trouble finding my footing in the world. On days like this I truly believe the only thing that gets me out the door is the greater fear of losing my job.

So, off I go out into the world to face the day, ready or not. Lately I have developed the habit of cruising through cyberspace in my free time looking for inspiration to lift me up. Today I found 2 things that leaped out at me. The first was on Joyce Meyers Facebook page. She had this to say: "The sooner we learn that feelings are fickle, the better off we are. " No kidding.

The second is Psalm 51:12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Yeah, I think that is my prayer for today.

Restore my joy, Father. Help me to overcome my fickle feelings and live the abundant life that your salvation provides. Amen

FAY days

Today I am not feeling very strong in my faith, or like a person of any substance. I had an anxiety attack yesterday when I left my doctors office after a routine appointment. I am not dying or anything so don't worry. I think I just reached my limit on personal strength. And so I broke. I was supposed to go back to work, but I drove straight home, took some medicine I keep around for these rare attacks and went to bed.

Why am I telling you this? Well, for one thing it helps. It helps to put it out there for anyone (or no one) to see. I am fragile. My life is built upon strength, but it isn't mine. Sometimes I forget that and I carry the load on my own shoulders. And it gets heavy. Fast. And sooner or later, I break under the strain.

I went through a period in my life when these attacks were almost a weekly (and sometimes daily) occurrence. At work we even have a short hand name for them "FAY". It comes from something I said to the group in the middle of one such melt down one day years ago. The "f" I will let you figure out, but rest is "all" & "y'all". Not my finest moment. But I survived and even found humor in the memory.....

Another reason I am sharing this is because I want anyone who reads this to realize that being saved and forgiven by God, being his child, lead by his spirit and word does not mean you don't have bad days. Just because I am broken now, doesn't mean I am not saved. I tripped and fell, I dropped the load I was carrying. A load I did not have to carry alone. And I will get back up, through God's love and grace. I don't really feel that way at this particular moment, but I KNOW it. Because God's word says it. "In quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15).

I am having a bad day today. But I believe that God is my strength and He will bring me through this. And he can do that for you as well.  

And I am here if you need a friend....