Saturday, October 20, 2012

a confession

I self-sabotage. I started to say self-harm, but that sounds a little extreme. I don't cut myself or anything. Mainly because:
  1. ouch
  2. sharp objects scare me silly
  3. long sleeves in the Texas heat are NOT for me
  4. OUCH
I do little things when things are bad that sort of prolong the bad times. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't. Why would anybody do that??? I really don't know, but I do it. Yesterday was a bad day. I had a melt down on the way home and had to pull over on the side of the road and cry. A lot.

Thing is, I knew I needed to stop several miles before I did. I should have pulled over and taken a pill that would have calmed me down before it got too bad. But I kept pushing. And in the back of my mind I knew what I was doing, that I was tempting fate. But it didn't stop there. When it was all done and I was home, I had a terrible headache. And I just sat there with it. Are you starting to sense a pattern? I could have, should have taken some Ibuprofen, which would have stopped the pain within an hour. But I didn't. Because in the back of my mind, or maybe deep in my spirit, I deserve the pain.

Sadly, I didn't stop there. Or more accurately, I did stop. I stopped taking all my meds. I haven't had my depression meds, or my blood pressure meds, OR my blood sugar meds (add to that I have been eating a bunch of junk). Don't worry, I can't keep this up long, because:
  1. James will notice and make me take them
  2. my blood pressure will go up and give me an even worse headache (I can only take so much pain, since I am a sissy)
  3. one of my friends who has my phone # may read this and call me and hassle me lovingly remind me to stop being stupid
For now though, I feel paralyzed. Obviously not literally, because I am typing all this. But it is like being a spectator, looking at my own life. Or lack of life. Whatever.

Why am I telling you all of this? This is a blog about faith, and sharing this kind of thing could cause someone to doubt whether I have any faith at all. Or maybe you might see that I am human. Fragile and forgiven. Even when I can't seem to forgive myself. Even I am paralyzed by fear and self loathing, I am loved. No matter what, I am covered by grace.....

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. Psalm 40:11

And now I am gonna go take my meds, before one of you finds a way to contact my husband and rat me out. 

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