Happy Birthday Becky

taken in 1999 at our class reunion, the last time I saw you.

Today would have been your 42nd birthday. Lord, I miss you. I can't believe it's been almost 12 years since you left us. I still remember the phone call we received the night you died. We had just returned from a birthday dinner (for me) with some friends. When I listened to the answering machine and heard Daryl's voice, I knew something was wrong. I called him and after he gave me the news I told him that he would have to tell James. I couldn't do it. You were my friend, but you were his family. And honestly, I wouldn't have been coherent. I laid in his lap and cried and cried. The poor man couldn't really grieve for you himself, he was so overwhelmed by my tears.

The next day I went to the house to see Daryl and the girls. I will never forget little Laurie (only 5 years old) telling me "My mommy died". All I could say was "I know baby" and sit on the couch cuddling her and Ashley and watching a movie or cartoon with them. It broke my heart all over again, but I think I was past the tears (for the moment).

James and I went to see the accident sight that evening and found your Dad and Cindy there (with Finley, I think) all I remember is looking at the spot and thinking how senseless it was. One moment of inattention and your life was over. Later I went with your aunt to see the car. I will never forget that. I am grateful that James wasn't with me, that is a memory no one really needs.

Oh, I miss you so much. I think of you almost daily. Your beautiful smile, your laugh, your unfailing love for your family and friends. So many times over the years I have wanted to talk to you, to gain your insight into my precious husband who was like a brother to you. I want you to be here, to see your girls and the incredible women they have grown into. Ashley is gonna have a baby, a little girl. Her name is Rebecca Leigh. I love it, but I hope they won't want me to call her Becky. I'm not sure I can. (And look at me, borrowing worries from the future!) Laurie is in college. Where did the time go?? Your girls are wonderful, Daryl really did a great job raising them. I know you are proud of them all.

Life has moved on, as it does. We have learned to live without you in our days. But we carry you forever in our hearts. You are so deeply loved and missed.

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To my reader,

I'm sorry if this post confused you. You probably have no idea who Becky was or why she was important to me (unless you know me in real life). Becky was my husband's cousin and also my best friend growing up. She was killed in a car accident in 1999 and her death effected me so deeply. Even more so than the deaths of my step dad (who I wrote about this week) and my grandmother (who I write about often). I attribute this to the fact that we were the same age, and because we were family I just assumed that she would always be here. Sort of an extension of my marriage, the 3 of us would grow old together. She wasn't supposed to leave me. Which is an unfair and totally selfish statement since she left behind her 2 girls, who lost so much more than I did. 

Anyway, this week is always a tough one for me, with dad's birthday and Becky's basically back to back. But the week is done now and I am using this post as a way of wrapping it up and moving on. For a while anyway. 

If you made it all the way to the end here, do me a favor. Leave a comment for me and then go hug someone you love. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while. Make some dinner plans. Don't waste a single second. Make sure the people who matter know it. Do it now.