I really don't want to, but I have to

Several years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. At the time I didn't give it a lot of thought, the label was there as an identifier, an explanation provided to the insurance company so they would cover my therapy sessions. Even now, more than 10 years later I don't really know exactly what the definition of the disorder is or if it is an accurate diagnosis for me. I am not sure it really matters. What matters is that "generalized anxiety" is a perfect description of what I have been feeling for the last few weeks. Edgy and jumpy and on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack complete with weeping and gnashing of teeth with nothing to point to as the cause. There is no more stress in my life than normal, there has been no major traumatic event, no trigger. Just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to pull into myself and not face the world, of wanting to hide. I have that feeling in my chest of a million wings beating, looking for the way out and my hands feel shaky even when they are rock steady.

Unfortunately Fortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want to hide away in my bed with the covers pulled over my head (not an exaggeration). My employers expect me to show up and actually do work to earn my paycheck. And that paycheck is vital, given my fondness for lights, air conditioning, and satellite TV (Falling Skies is back on!!!). So I get up and go to work, I face people and try to look them in the eye. And I pray. I pray for peace, I pray that I can make it the next 5 minutes, the next 8 hours. I pray for guidance and direction, for strength in my weakness. I know this will pass. I just have to hang on to His hand.

Truth!

Thought for the day

Wishing us all a day full of happiness, wonder, peace, and blessings.

Just an update, I am still here

Wow. It's been a while since I have had anything to say, hasn't it? Well, that's not technically true, I have tons to say, just no strong desire to open the computer! Things in my life have been pretty hum-drum, same old-same old. Get up, go to work, come home, clean a litter box, watch some TV, sleep, repeat. No real excitement there. Even my diet and exercise routine is stagnant, I seem stuck in the 250's despite all my best efforts and so I have become frustrated and I'm not really putting much into it.

I have been toying with the idea of trying to write more, I have great ideas when I am away from the keyboard. Like when I am in bed and waiting to fall asleep or driving to work. Problem is, when I make it to a computer they disappear like smoke, the scent lingers but I can't find the source! Maybe someone is trying to tell me something? Maybe I need some more quiet time in my life so some original thoughts might seep in?

I have been craving more quiet lately, less TV and Facebook time. I am reading a couple of good books and listening to some on audio too. Does that count as quiet? Probably not, though for me it is soothing. In the car on my commute I am listening to the last Harry Potter book for about the thousandth time. It is a comforting presence, an old friend riding with me to and from work. It is really nice.

And with that I have run out of words for today. I hope that wherever you are that your day is full of light and joy and peace.

Monday Inspiration

Happy Monday!

from my little flower garden

from my archives

Now, let's go make today great!

Happy Easter 2014!

Today got off to a rather rough start. My sweet hubby has been feeling pretty poorly lately and we were up into the wee hours of the morning. When I did finally get some sleep I woke with a tremendous headache so I stayed home from church, took some Ibuprofen and went back to bed.

When I got up the second time I felt more human and so did he so we lazed around the house for a while and then I went out to play in the dirt. He came out and watered the plants while I played (I am not a responsible adult when it comes to plants!). Then we had hamburgers and fries for dinner. All in all not a bad way to celebrate Easter.

I hope you had a great Easter weekend and will have a very blessed week!

Taking the cat for a walk

Anyone who knows us knows we are cat people. I am often asked how many cats I have and my standard response is "I don't count them", and I don't. It's a little embarrassing to realize the number is fairly high!

Anyway, today I took our baby boy, Player, for his first walk on a harness and leash. He loved it! Wearing a harness is not for every cat, in fact we only have one other who enjoys it. So I wasn't sure how Player would react at first. I was so pleased to see him playing in the grass and watching the world with big excited eyes! 

Friday Funnies 2014

Married life!
This is a Random conversation with the hubby:

Me: have you seen my flip flops? I need to go outside and I need my shoes.

Him (taking the slip on shoes off his feet): here, you can use mine.

Me (making a face): uh.... OK....

Him: what's wrong?

Me: they are warm. It's gross to put on someone elses warm shoes! I mean, I know they're YOURS but...... It's yucky. Like water on the counter in a public restroom.

Him: oh yeah, I hate that too! I know it's just water but it's someone elses nasty hand-washing water.

Me: EXACTLY! 

See why I love this man!?!

*YES, I still wore the shoes cause I was too lazy to find my own when his were right there. But I was a little grossed out the whole time, and mildly amused with myself. :-)