Thirty days of truth: Day 10

Hey, remember the 30 days of Truth? To be honest, I had forgotten about them! This morning I went looking for something to write about and they came to mind. So I clicked over to see where I left off:

Day 10. Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Oh, I think I see why I "forgot" about this..


Truthfully, there are lots of people I wish I didn't know for a lot of good reasons. Hurtful, bitter, angry people. People who have used and hurt the ones I can about. Even one or two who have hurt me. For the most part, I have already let these people go. My husband and I made the conscious choice to distance ourselves from those people. There was no fight, no major drama, just a quiet drifting that removed them from our orbit. It is a process I highly recommend. You don't have to let people like that pull you down. You can wish them well and move on. Even family. In fact in our case, mostly family. It can be difficult, but in the end it has been worth it...


Oh, before I forget, check out my Thursday Thankfulness post here! 

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 9

 Day 09. Someone you didn’t want to let go of.

My niece and nephew. It's a long story and most of it is not mine to share, but the basic information is a matter of public record. I lost contact with them about 10 years ago after my brother in law was convicted of sexually abusing his daughter. He is serving a life sentence (thank you Lord). After his abuse came to light her mother's family pressured her to cut contact with us even though we completely believed and supported her. I fought it for a while, calling weekly and sending cards and gifts at holidays and birthdays. Eventually I had to give up though. You can only beat your head against the wall for so long.

I miss those kids. Well, they aren't really kids anymore. She is 21 years old now and he is 19. I haven't been able to keep track of him, but I have found her online. Unfortunately the news is not good. What I found were arrest records. From what I have been able to gather she must be involved in drug use. I find this incredibly sad, her mother died in 2004 from a drug overdose (suicide if you believe the stories, but I lean more to an accidental overdose). After her mother's death she and her brother were adopted by her maternal aunt and uncle. I had hoped and prayed that they would be safe and protected, that they would both get the guidance and therapy they would both need to overcome everything that happened in their lives. I don't know if that was provided for them, but it certainly seems that she is still struggling.

I pray for them both, I wish I could reconnect with them. But that is out of my hands. I just have to trust that if I can help them that God will direct me back into their lives.

I love you Kara and Sean. Now and always. 

If I had the chance, this is what I would tell them both.

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 8

Day 08. Someone who made your life difficult.

Wow! That's a long list! I mean, people are difficult by nature, so if you have to deal with one (or a group of them) for more than a minute or two chances are somebody is going to make life difficult (except me of course, I am NEVER difficult!).

But there is one person who comes to mind as one of the most difficult people I have ever dealt with. He was the pharmacist-in-charge in the first pharmacy I ever worked in. I worked with this man for more than 4 years and he made every single day difficult. I came home crying more nights than I care to remember. Other techs came and went, run off by this man's behavior. But I stuck it out. I needed that job and I was stubborn. I just couldn't bring myself to walk away and let him win. So I kept at it, day after day. And just when I was at the very end of my rope things changed. Note I said "things" not "him". As far as I know he never did change. But he did leave. The pharmacy was sold to a new owner who offered me a job but chose not to offer my offensive coworker one. I had won!!

source

I did win, but not because he left and I stayed. I won because sticking it out all those years taught me some valuable life lessons on coping with difficult people and overcoming impossibly ugly situations. I truly believe that God used that time in my life to prepare me for new challenges, for the blessings and the difficulties involved in living. No matter where I find myself, if I slow down, take a deep breath and pray, I can overcome anything! (and a little dose of stubbornness doesn't hurt either!)

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 07. Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My husband. Duh.

I won't tell you that our life together has been an easy one but I will tell you that every single second has been worth it. He knows me better than anyone else in this world. He has seen me at my absolute worst. And he loves me anyway. Who can ask for more than that? That is the kind of love that absolutely makes my life worth living for. His love is a precious gift from God. One I don't deserve and could never be good enough to earn. One that I don't ever plan to let go of, not for a single second.

This is us the year we met.

Isn't he a cutie!?!

I had braces so I didn't want to smile! 

 I can't imagine my life without this love. It has shaped my world. For better (never for worse) and defined who I am. Because of this love, I am never alone, I am part of a team, he will always have my back against the world. And I will always have his. We may drive each other crazy, but we will never give up. We have come too far for that.

Every time I see this it makes me smile.

I thank God everyday for this precious man. I pray for God's protection and love to wrap around him and keep him safe. I am grateful beyond words for his love.

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 6

Day 06. Something you hope you never have to do.

This one is easy. I hope I never have to bury anyone else I love. I know it is unlikely that this hope will be fulfilled. I accept the fact that I will one day have to say goodbye to my mother and my father (though I refuse to consider the loss of my sisters or husband). I have already lost both my step parents, all 4 grandparents, my husband's grandparents (who raised him), & 2 childhood friends. That seems like more than enough, thank you world. I want to keep who I have left, to wrap them in a protective shell of love never let them leave me.


Is that really too much to ask for?


Yeah, I know it is. So, I can only hope and pray that until that day comes that each and every person I care for will know it. That my actions and my words will express my constant affection for them. And when that moment of goodbye comes, I pray I will handle it with grace and courage. I want no regrets.

Take the hint folks, if you have a relationship that needs mending, get to mending. Pick up the phone, send an email, write a letter. Reach out to those you love, don't waste a single second.

Thank you Lord, for the love you have surrounded me with, for the family and friends I love and who love me in return. Thank you for the grace that you pour into my heart daily. Protect and keep my loved ones, pour that grace over their lives as well. Bless whoever stumbles upon my words. let these simple words be a blessing to them. Thank you for everything you have sacrificed for us all. Amen

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 05. Something you hope to do in your life.

Really? Does this strike anyone else as being a question about dreams?? Okay, the word used here is "hope" but we know what the question is really saying, right? Tell us something you dream about doing.....

And here we are again. Just reading that question causes me to freeze up completely. Why? Simply put, my dreams seem impossible.

I dream of a day when my husband will be pain free. I hope for a morning when he will wake up from a good night's sleep and pain will not be the first thing he feels. When I can ask "how are you feeling?" and the answer will be an honest, happy, and carefree "great!".

I dream of a little (but not too little) house out in the country on the land where I grew up. Enough room for me, the hubby, and the herd of fur babies. To be close enough to my mom to help out, but in our own place so everyone has their privacy. I dream of sitting on my covered porch listening to the wind in the trees and feeling the peace that comes from being home, truly home.

And yes, I dream of a day when money will not be an issue, when my bills are paid when they arrive, not when my paycheck does (and then, never all of them at once). A day when we can travel for pleasure and not worry too much about our bank balance.

I have lesser dreams/hopes too. Dreams of attending a sci-fi convention, of learning to knit, and yes, even a slowly growing dream of writing something that someone is willing to pay for (not sure when that happened exactly, I never had the desire to write before this blog!). But it's the big ones that get me. Those are the ones that I have to struggle just to say aloud.

As a woman who professes to believe in a God who can do all things, I am ashamed of my fear. I am ashamed to admit that these dreams feel so impossible. I am ashamed, but I am also forgiven. I am human and imperfect. I am loved and cherished by a God who is the definition of perfection. Where my faith may falter, my God will never fail. I may feel the fear that my dreams are impossible, but I still believe in the God who says that he will give me the desires of my heart.

Lord, forgive my fear, teach me to trust you. And please, make my dreams come true.

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 04. Something you have to forgive someone for.

See, here is my problem. I am too forgiving. It takes a lot to make me hold a grudge. My husband actually gets mad at me for this character flaw, because I tend to let people walk all over me. I often joke that I wake up in a new world everyday. Yesterday's anger and hurt are a vague memory. Even deep hurts don't last too long, a few weeks, maybe a month, and I am ready to move on.

However, there is one thing you can do that will make it very easy for me to hold a grudge. Hurt someone I love. There are a few people in this world who have found themselves on my grudge list over the years. People who should have protected the children in their care, who should have seen and understood the hurt that they were causing. A life long hurt, a hardening of tender hearts. Lord help me, this is something I may never be able to forgive. I understand I should, but at this moment the best I can do is to put it away.

I don't play with my anger, I don't savor it. I do try to move beyond it, to leave it packed away in the closet of my mind. But I also can't quite let it go. Because I see first hand the long term damage that had been done to someone I care deeply for. And I see that the person who inflicted that damage has no remorse for their actions. How can I forgive when they can't even see what they have done?

Okay, that's enough of that! I will get myself all worked up and ready for battle if we stay on this subject!!

In other news, my dad is safely home from the hospital and doing well. I spoke to him last night and he sounded like his old self. :)

Don't forget to check out my Thursday Thankfulness post today. I warn you it is a bit controversial and it may offend some folks. But it's important to take a stand some times, to speak up and be heard. You never know who might here your voice and be forever changed.

On that note I will leave you to decide if you want to click the link. I hope you do. Regardless, have a great day! Go be a blessing to the world around you!

Thirty Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 03. Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Well, the biggest thing is not something I am prepared to share here. I am a pretty open book, but some chapters are too private and painful to read aloud. That's okay though, I think I can still come up with a pretty long list of things. Of course, the prompt only asked for one....

I think that if I have to distill it all down to one thing would have to be not doing enough for the people I love when I had the chance. Not taking the time to go that extra mile to meet their needs. Not saying "I love you" enough. In general not being super human and all things to all the people in my life. This is something my rational mind knows is impossible. But my heart....well, it keeps trying. And when it fails we fall hard.

It's true. I do fail. I can't be all things to all people. I can't meet everyone's needs. And that's okay (right??). See, my mind knows it really is okay. But my heart still questions, still wants to find fault. Still wants to take the blame. As if I were the one truly in control of this crazy life. I do fail, but my God doesn't ever fail. And He is the one in control. And since I know that He doesn't want me to live in the shadow of my past, I really have to work on forgiving myself and moving forward in His grace. So, I'm trying.....it's the best I can do.

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Okay! That's 3 questions down! I am making progress! Right?!?!? Tune in sometime soon for Question #4 which is "Something you have to forgive someone else for". Well, this should be FUN!!

Hey, do me a favor if you have made it this far, say a prayer for my sweet hubby. He has been having some bad days lately and is really struggling. We go to the doctor later this week and I am asking God to please guide us and the doctor to find what is wrong. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. 

Thirty Days of Truth: Day Two

Something you love about yourself.

Okay, why is this one harder than the first one? It is so much easier to tell you about all the things I don't like about myself! So, let's see, something I love about myself......

I think it would have to be my sense of humor. It is pretty awesome, after all. I should know, I laugh at myself all the time! Seriously though, when I am not beating myself up with stress and depression, I really am full of silly fun. I like to play harmless little jokes on my coworkers and leave  smiley faces laying around.

like this one, made from bottle caps and paperclips!

I like to make people smile, and I really don't mind being foolish to make it happen. That's a pretty decent character trait, isn't it? :)

LOL!

Thirty Days of Truth: Day One

Something you hate about yourself.

Oh, do I have to pick just one thing? On good days I am simply a little self deprecating. On bad days I tend to be very self critical. I am too fat, too slow, too lazy, too anxious, too depressed, too depressing, too......well, you get the picture. So, if I have to pick just one thing, I suppose it would have to be that self defeating self criticism.

Of course, I realize full well that this is not the way I have been called to live. I am called to live a life free of all these negative emotions. The very nature of my relationship with God is designed to free me from this defeatist attitude. Of course, knowing this and living in the reality of that knowledge are 2 different things. It is a choice. It doesn't feel like it, but it is. I choose to see myself through my veiled human sight, rather than through the clarity of God's love.

So, how do I change this? Minute by minute, day by day. When I catch myself giving in to this way of thinking, I have to stop and realign my thoughts with my understanding of God's love and will for my life.

If I make the Lord my primary focus, if I find delight in my walk with Him, there can't be room for all those negative feelings and thoughts. His word tells me over and over again that he will walk with me through whatever comes, that he protect my soul and spirit (the only parts of me that truly matter) and use me to draw others to him.

He has overcome the world. And some days that must seem a much easier task than overcoming my stubborn heart. And yet he hasn't given up on me. Will never give up on me. So, I won't be giving up on myself. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect, but I am loved perfectly. And that love is a miracle working love that can change even my stubborn heart.