Sunday thoughts on failing

So, this morning I overslept and missed church. I have been struggling with a stupid ear infection which makes me dizzy and head-achy. To top that off I have hives or something and have been itching in patches all over my body. May I just say, I do not handle discomfort with grace. Especially itching. To be blunt, I am a complainer. A whiner. I am also a big believer in better living through medication, hence why I overslept this morning.

So, here I sit on my couch contemplating life in all its complexities and feeling a bit like I have failed God. See, my church is small and frankly struggling. I joined the praise and worship team last year (at God's leading) to help out my beloved Pastors, not because I had any desire to be on stage. I was terrified of the microphone. I was timid and shy (something people who know me well would wonder at) and afraid to project. I was about as far out of my comfort zone as I could get.

Right from the start, despite my fears and anxiety, I knew I was where God wanted me to be, because as soon as the music started I was no longer afraid. I was able to truly worship, even with the microphone in my hand and all those eyes watching me (and minds judging me). And slowly my confidence has grown and my fears and anxieties have diminished. I know in my heart that is because I am where God wants me to be. But sometimes I give in to the fear, sometimes I allow myself to be lazy. Like today. Yeah, I know, I am sick. My ears hurt, my head hurts, I feel like poo. But here's the thing, if today were Monday I would be at work. Because I have a responsibility to be there (and because I like having a job and getting paid). So, by sitting here on my couch right now I am basically saying that God is not my greatest priority, right?

See, I have failed. Again. Really, I wonder why He even puts up with me. But that's the thing. He does. And more than that, He gives me the chance to try again. And again. Oh, and please note, I said I failed, not that I am a failure. Once upon a time, in the not too distant past I would have freely used that word. I would have worn it with a kind of sad pride. FAILURE. So many of us wear that word like a name badge, "Hi my name is Tamara Failure". We shouldn't. We fail, we fall short. But we are not failures. We are forgiven, we are loved, we are uplifted by strong arms that never fail. And we are given the chance to do better. So, next Sunday I will try again.

I have shared this before, but I think it bares repeating.